1

Carys Natalie Waters 

24/9/15 

7:22pm 

7lb 3.5 oz 

3 months today. 

Profound overwhelming love doesn't cover how I feel for her and my wife 

 

66

23rd September 2015. 

It's 1.46am. Natalie is asleep. 

The house is ready. All done. We go tomorrow to hospital. 

Am shitting myself. 

Feels like a huge mountain we have to climb now. The easy bits done. And that's been hard work. 

God knows what it'll be like. 

To have another human being in our lives. Seems very surreal. 

Even though we haven't officially met yet she already means everything. 

I have this reoccurring fear of coming home without them or without one of them. 

But all going well we will have a baby girl home safe and sound. And by the next time I write on here, wow, a little girl has been born. :-) :-) :-) 

Natalie obviously shitting herself too, can't imagine what she's feeling. 

Let's just hope all goes okay and that mum and baby girl are safe and sound. I need them to breathe. 

I love you both with all my being and more profoundly than all thought imaginable. 

In a bit x

65

Its September 15th and its cold. 

We are being induced 23rd a week today. 
Bricking it, bricking it for the Mrs, really really hope shes gonna be ok and that all goes ok, and that nothing bad happens. Theres nothing like the prospect of labour for your wife that makes you realise how much she means to you. Worship that woman. 
Im super excited half the time and full of dread the other, its a mind fuck, constantly trying to tell myself all will be okay, and that it will become normality. 
I think thats it, these last few months havent been 'normal', because weve become custom to a particular lifestyle, practically do what we wanted and when, and yet since February all has changed. Its tough. And thats without the nonsense the wife has had to deal with on top. 
Menieres, Obsetric Coestasis, Hyperemesis... the list goes on. 

We have the house close to being ready for ickle bubs. Bedroom sorted, laurens bed dismantled and taken downstairs, the walls painted, the whole room steam cleaned. Wardrobe up, just cot to assemble. 
Painted the hallway, painted our room, changed around, new bed, after the original bed we brought arrived but wouldnt fit up the stairs, so we had to order a new bed and wait a week, we slept downstairs on bed settee for 8 days, at one point we had 3 beds in our front room, which isnt the biggest haha :) Nightmare. But between me, the wife Sue and Kate and Paul, weve made huge progress. Car seat fitted, pram down sues, all ready really, just a few bits and bobs to sort but the 'major' things achieved. Well done Us. 

Lauren leaves for Uni Friday, very very proud of her, shes super excited got lots of plans and ideas buzzing around her head, shell be fine, she has a good head on her shoulders. 
Will pop to see her place once shes settled in. 

Work is shit. Hate that place and hate her. Shes a bully. That simple.
Im not going to feel bad for being unwell and for looking after my wife. Never. 
Needs must. 

Got a feeling Baby will arrive Friday.

In a bit. x

64

Still at it. 

Natalie huge now little one not far away. 

Cot bought. 

New settee and chair. 

Shed cleared.

Lauren offered a Maths degree placement at Swansea. 

Passed probation. 

Things still hard. Not well at all. 

But keeping at it. 

Onwards 

63

It's been a while, it's been trying, soul searching and exciting all rolled into one. Phew. We made it. 

It's a girl!!!! 😀 haha all is well with the little one, moving, kicking, all sorts, mummy getting there and so brave to. 

Lauren okay, as can be, working hard, having doubts about uni, but okay. 

Work is doing my head in. Still on probation. Tuffy being a twat. But making progress slowly. 

Just want to know. Anyway, holiday in two weeks. Tenby. Nice. Can't wait. 

Things are starting to feel a lot more normal now, we have our moments, but we are getting there. 

I've been a let down to be honest, I've not coped well with everything and I've let the Mrs down with all my self preoccupations. I am addressing the issues I have with therapy. £40 an hour therapy. Lol. 

So it better fucking work lol. 

But yeh I do feel I've made it harder than it needed to be for the wife. She's had to deal with all of this sickness, and on top of that me moaning about my job, being depressed, struggling with the whole concept, truth is I wouldn't of dealt with it without her there, whispering in my ear when I'm in work " don't let it get to you, it's your frame of mind clouding the issues " not physically mind, that would be weird, but yer know I hear her voice when I need her most. 

Just going to do my best to deal with my shit and be as strong as I can for her because right now I cannot wait to meet our little girl, I love her, she's real and she's on her way. ❤️❤️❤️

It's late 3 am on a Sunday morning right now, listening to heartbreaker ha, takes me back to sitting in my dads car and radio 2 on the radio, obviously, and long trips to seemingly car related places, or camping, but quite fond memories of childhood that only music can encapsulate. 

I'm so blessed. A millionaire. 7th October 2015. Can't fucking wait!!! 

In a bit. 

62

15 weeks tomorrow. Baby due 7th October 2015. 

It's been a roller coaster last few weeks, Natalie suffered terrible hyperemesis been bloody awful for her, in turn awful for both of us. Work has been hard. Really hard. Boss being a right cunt.

Been very low at moments, usually at 6.30 am haha, before going work. 

Has been the hardest few weeks for us, for different reasons, but we are still here, still going. 

Starting to get attached to ickle bubs now, ha, it is going to be amazing. Scary still, the change is the scary part. So much to learn so much to do. We'll get there. Together. 

Need the landlord to get back to us regarding boiler and radiator issue. Hate being in limbo. 

Onwards. 

Margate 1999

Listening to Its Better a People - oasis, takes me back to living briefly in my estranged home town of Margate. It was 1999, and the weather was amazing. My life, was a mess, through no fault but my own, I was a mess too. Think it was around May time, I'd previously stolen money from my own sister, to then be caught smoking dope at Ludlow street, where I was staying at the time, my parents threw me out. After weeks of temporary homelessness, squatting and renting, whilst keeping a job at transco, I eventually found myself, after help from my mum, secret from my dad, staying at a very cheap and cheerful B and B on Richmond road roath, there was always an ad for this place in the echo, "ROOMS AVAILABLE INC BREAKFAST £45 per week". I was very grateful for the help, and the warmth of shelter every night, and a meal first thing. I remember the room, it didn't have a tv, if I wanted tv down to the bar I went, surrounded by strangers, some workmen, some lorry drivers, nothing classy at all about this place. 

I worked at the time in Grangetown next to where ikea is now, at Transco. 

I got sacked. I couldn't afford to pay the hotel another weeks rent so I left. 

I couldn't go home. I decided, with my last pay, I would go and stay with my Dad. In the hope I'd sort my self out enough to come back and start again. Ha. What a naive bellend. I was desperate tho. So, I tried to contact the old man, no joy, spoke to mum, she agreed to try. 

I got to London Victoria off the coach, it was cheapest route, spoke to mum, nothing so sorted it to stay at janes for a bit. Nice one. 

Got on train, blagged the fare tho. Result. Walked to janes, I remembered it from all those years ago haha. 

Anyway, me dad couldn't put me up apparently, rules of his tenancy, but a sense of reluctance on his part when he said you can't just turn up like this and expect me drop everything. 

Of course, but this was an exception you selfish fuck. 

So, staying at janes was awkward, sharing bens room, taking away his independence was difficult for him. Quite right too. I had nothing to do in the days, I got bored, I used the Internet. For the wrong reasons lol, these were the days before broadband you see, dial up cost a few quid. 

It got to a point where I wasn't working, I got a job at a place called Kent Salads, God what a horrible time that was. It overwhelmed me. Was a complete stranger to everybody, starting a really shit job, I was wearing all the gear you wear around food factories, nets on Yer head and all sorts, it was too much. A future of making salad bowls in the middle of nowhere in my estranged hometown which may as well had been in the middle of nowhere, it was too much, I left within 3 hours citing stomach cramps or something ....... 

I spent my 20th in the local pub from janes gaff, with ben and his mate, it was half decent but I missed home. Big time. 

Eventually Jane had to make a decision and ask me to move on, large phone bills and the added expense taking its toll. I understood of course. So, I stayed with Alan, my mums brother, who she hates and I can see why. A proper Jeremy Kyle contestant this geezer, no offence mum, but an utter classless monkey, with shit for brains, but, he put me up, it wasn't like me dad was gonna was it? 

I spent the days bored playing a nylon guitar I'd taxed from ben, that kept me sane I can tell you, one day I even took the train form Margate to,Canterbury to buy A pick. Haha. I spent the nights shitting myself to go to sleep due to spider webs everywhere in The bedroom.

I was in touch with an ex at the time, from Cardiff, I used Alan's phone a couple of times, his bill came in, it was more than usual sure, but not excessive, about £78 for a quarter, I was happy to pay I had the money, he asked me to leave, I left. 

I called my dad, he was busy, he couldn't bail me out. In the meantime I'd be chatting to another mate from Cardiff Mark, who had previously been down, was planning to travel the same day Alan asked me to leave, so I was counting on this for a place to crash. He didn't come. I spent the entire day trying to get hold of him, traveled to rams gate to meet him off the coach, the coach came, he didn't. Was gutted. Spent the night walking around, with a bag, sleeping on a park bench, incidentally a park I used to play in when I was young kid, that was ironic. Contemplated jumping in front of a train. Near where my uncle lived there's a train line close to public areas. I sat on a bench in that space by there and thought about it seriously. I was at a low ebb. I specifically remember deciding to carry on. Thinking only I can change my situation. I walked straight to my dads, he wasn't in, but his landlady was, and she was amazing. This was his sister in law now, bear that in mind when he said that the rules of his tenancy prevented me from staying. Cunt. 

I explained my situation, I said I've made mistakes to be here, it's my own doing but I need help. She was brilliant. She said I could stay. This was a Saturday. I had money coming in Thursday. My plan was to get back to Cardiff asap. 

My dad worked mon to Friday so I had to wander around Margate for hours on end until he came home from work as condition of me staying, well this is what my dad preferred I think, come Thursday, I was so excited. The previous day I spoke to the Mate who due and didn't turn up, his old man offered me a room. 

Thursday morning I was like a kid at Xmas. I had a 12 hour journey ahead of me but I didn't care. 

Cashed my giro, brought a ticket to Cardiff via Victoria. 

Got into town about 9pm. Met my mate in the prince of Wales pub where he worked, and where I would eventually work, and we went back to his gaff and to my room and my bed in my gaff. 48hrs later I had a full time job. A fortnight later I got paid about £250 . What a turnaround. 

That was so hard. That whole period. So lonely too in Margate. So desperate and when you think just 8 days ago I was sleeping on a park bench with nobody in the world to talk to. 

Life is fucked up haha. Make of it what you will but something positive came from that.