51

It's 1.19am Sunday 25th January, 

I've been up since about 3pm , I think, had my operation Thursday just gone, got home Friday afternoon.

As you do with general anaesthetic you lose track of the hours, but wow, the 24 hrs after the op, infact the 48 after, have been awful. Fair play. Horrible constant migraine since the operation, subsides briefly for about an hour tops when given IV paracetemol, and add to that the ward I was in had zero windows, no fresh air at all, very stuffy, so had to escape to the corridors or outside just for some rest from the stale, sickly air. Was horrible and lonely, for some stupid reason I gave the mrs my phone when they called me in for the op, what a dick. The Mrs agrees entirely. 

I wasn't nervous, I was just praying it wasn't cancelled, but fuck me I wasn't mentally prepared for the aftermath of pain and discomfort. 

It's only about now I'm starting to get elements of myself back, a kind of clearer mind, the foginess of pain relief is slowly subsiding. I'm still getting the pins and needles in my lips, face and finger tips, calcium issues apparently so they gave me some tablets for that, nice chewy ones. 

I thought I was prepared, clearly I was wrong. 

All the while, Natalie is possibly having an attack, poor thing, so much going on again for her, the stress of uni, work and me not helping. I know she'll be ok, but I hate her suffering. Hate it. 

She feels bad because she can't fuss like she likes too, her own words, lol, not mine, but I say to her I will recover from this, she has a condition to deal with, it's not about me so don't worry and concentrate on yerself. She won't listen. That's why I fell in love with her, one of many reasons. 

Lauren's being a bit weird , I think, towards me, none of the 'x' on her texts anymore, and her one line replies to my texts about money just make me think she Thinks I'm being a bellend, I've kind of come to the conclusion that she thinks that anyway but that says more about me than about her. 

I dunno, I'm not a role model of any kind at all for her, I mean she was the major factor behind doing a degree, I want her to be proud of me, I'm not proud of my dad, he's never given me reason to be, and I'm not complaining here, I have my step dad, who's been amazing to me, but it's Yer dad init, and it matters, whether you think it does or not, it matters, so I'm very aware of this when I'm around her, for her own good, I don't want to harm her inadvertently, but I guess this is just something that will inevitably happen. Kids hurt their parents and vice versa, it's nature to a degree, so perhaps stop fucking going on about it here and just deal with it?? Yes, good shout. 

Whatever happens the world keeps turning. Was thinking about that. You know, life goes on, how one minute your own life and experience is so at the forefront of everything, when to 99.99% of every other specie on the planet it's completely and utterly irrelevant. Yeh, I don't like that, it's a very lonely thought. It's completely and utterly correct of course, but very isolationg. 

Anyway, now that this op has been done, perhaps I can look forward to some walking, some golf, no more migraines, please, and just generally feeling much better, and moving forward knowing this MEN1 shite is under control. Add to this the worry it causes the Mrs, let's hope she can find something to positive to fill the worry with now. 

Yeh,  a weird few days, work have extended my probation due to time off ill, but that's cool I can live with that. A job is a job right now. Will look at that again later on. 

Gonna call it a night.

Grateful. 

Xx

50

It's 2nd January 2015, that went quick eh, Xmas was quiet but lovely, nice dinner and company, both Xmas and Boxing Day. 

Natalie ok doing alright, keeping at it, Lauren being a royal pain in the arse, bad attitude and like me, doesn't like to admit she's wrong, if she doesn't think she's wrong she shouldn't have to apologise according to her logic. All this kicked off whilst I was in hospital again, due to heaviness and tenderness in my balls, which we all know was the preceding symptoms I was having before ending up in hostel for 10 days with severe ulceration of the small intestine and duodenum, caused ultimately bu tumours on my pancreas, caused by MEN 1. So although the Heath just think it's an infection, which has meant I've missed work Monday and now today, I haven't been in since 20th December when we "broke up" for Xmas break,, that comes with its own concerns, but Yeh, they said epididymis orchitis, so antibiotics it is and a repeat of exactly what happened 3 yrs ago, we shall see. Don't like it.

Yeh while I was in there Lauren had her driving test, which she fAiled, sadly, but we had a falling out, I won't go into it here, but done my head right in. 

They sent me home from hospital without any pain relief, a joke considering all the time I was in there I was on 4 hourly doses of oromorph. Joke. Luckily I'm prescribed Tramadols and of course I can use paracetamol alongside, but they weren't working to their full extent before, although I do think the intensity of pain is decreasing which they said would, but can take up to a month to clear completely, but I'm hoping to be in work Monday, not long until the Parathyroidectomy on the 22nd, just pray it doesn't get moved. 

Anyway, nothing much else to report, it's been a while so needed to vent.

Oh, Steven Gerrard set to announce he's leaving Liverpool at end of this season, gutted, understand, but what a player, a priveledge just to have seen him play once. 

Thought of the day:

Respect goes a long way. 

In a bit 

X

49

Natalie asleep whist I watch royale family upstairs in my rocking chair, covered in blankets cos it's cold. 

Day off today, didn't do anything except upgrade my phone, went for the iPhone 5s, be nice to have a decent phone again. 

Very tired, bit floopy from tramadols, gotta say it's not a great feeling, had a bit of a moment in work the other day after taking them, but still getting by, no more sickness from work since that Saturday. 

Lauren's doing well, getting offers left right and centre for uni, conditional like but offers never the less. Fair play to her. 

Not long til Xmas. Just over two weeks now, looking forward to the time off work, be nice to have a rest for a week, be nice to just forget about it for a few days Yer know... And then new year I guess. 

Anyway, can't complain, all seems ok for now. 

Thought of the day: 

Lay off the tramadols. 

In a bit 

X

48

Been a while. Nearly a month in fact. 

So, work is progressing nicely, in all I like it, I enjoy working for a company that takes its time with you and has faith in you a bit, and let's you learn at your own pace. Plus I'm at that stage almost where I really feel part of the furniture but I daren't get ahead of myself yet. Probation still looms large.

I did pull a sicky though, couple Saturday's ago I didn't sleep at all the night before, was fucked, and just couldn't face it, I rang work said I was suffering from symptoms, went to sleep for a few hours and went to work for about 2 pm, only because sheryl was down that night for her bday celebrations, for which I was a miserable cunt, really can Bring the worst out of people at times me, need to work on that, just can't pretend when it comes to emotions.... 

Lauren's cool getting on with her job and passed the theory test, I've no doubt she's booked her proper test, even though I said she has to budget her money accordingly but she won't listen to me, teenagers know best don't they.. Lol...I did when I was 17, and look where it got me.

Natalie is ok I guess, she's working so hard at the moment with uni shit to do also, wish she would learn to relax a bit more but what do I know about pressure, sweet fuck all, so it's understandable she's a bit all over the place.....bless her. 

I've been a dickhead with money again, I have a drug problem also, and this is scary for me, I don't know if I can overcome it or even if I want to I've become so reliant of this routine I have, it would feel like a huge psychological loss to me right now, but it's got to stop surely, I'm probably gonna be having a baby with the Mrs soon and I can't be fannying about with trying to get hold of gear when my kid needs a nappy change or summat...... I don't know what to do..

Of course when I have ganger I don't concern myself with these thoughts, apart from here, because everything is fine, I feel capable of dealing with everything, it is an essential ingredient to getting on with it, but does one need this to survive the highs and lows of life? Not everyone does no, but I think I do, which doesn't feel right, but it's not the worse thing in the world either, it's a weird predicament. 

Xmas around the corner and for the first time in a couple of years I'm off for a decent amount of time, finish on the 20th, back in for one shift on 29th then off til the 2nd. Fair play that's sound that.

Got a few pressies to sort out mind, couple more for the Mrs , and the rest of family then... 

Yeh just been getting on with it I guess, sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's piss easy... 

Thought of the day:

Look after the pennies.

In a bit x

47

Monday, well, early hrs Tuesday. Two days off. Bliss. 

The Mrs is ok, she's off too tomorrow, be nice to be around each other all day.

Lauren working tomorrow, new job, four hour shift. 

I've got a brain tumour. A tumour in the pituitary gland. 10mm in size apparently. Will be monitored. Benign. Still, not the best news ever, but it's another element of my condition. 

Works ok, still having those moments of despair where I just can't face doing it for the next 50 years or whatever it is, of course I'm not going to be doing this for that long and it's good for the soul to work an honest day's work. Still learning the job but had a few days now on the phones with 2 to 1 mentoring. Had the boss sat in with me today, she's cool tuffy. Very gentle but very firm. 

Wish we had a sofa bed, just can't be arsed to walk up them stairs lol. 

Thought of the day: 

It's never as bad as it seems

In a bit.

46

Woke up today with a mental headache, proceeded to throw up about half hour later, fell asleep for an hour on the settee, feel a whole lot better but still lingering. 

Fucking horrible. 

Watching Scottish football. Aberdeen v celtic. It's boring. 

Natalie working. I wish she was here. 

Just a short one today. 

In a bit. 

45

Post 45. Didn't think this would go on this long. Originally started to try and deal with some Anger I was feeling not long after the whole operation and cancer shite. That's improved since loads, hardly feel anger these days, so it maybe helped then. Good thinking. 

Off me tits again, pain in legs again, up late again, day off again, all I do when Im off work is sit on me arse all day watching various tv ...

But, I do get tired as a result of all this men 1 shit. 

Natalie asleep, poor thing had no kip last night so she knackered today and glad she got off ok earlier. The love I have for that woman is , oooohhhh, hard to fathom. Immense. Intense. Amazing. 

Lauren enjoyed her first day at work today, mostly paper work but another shift Saturday for 3 hrs for her and so on.... Well done to her. 

I sometimes seem to enjoy alone time more than being around people, Natalie or Lauren withstanding, everyone else seems to take second place... It's terrible to say that but I find life hard that I get a bit carried away with the constant daily battles I fight just to get through the day, the mere thought of working almost brings me out in a rash lol, but it is a battle to find the positives and to hold onto them. I say a battle they are easy to find but I'm always looking to find them, Dyou get me ?

But wow, I've made progress these last few years. I never thought I'd reach a stage where I could hold a job down for more than a year, but I did, and I'm glad I've overcome that fear of commitment work wise, and no matter how you feel you just have to do it. Illness aside that is. 

Took me years to grow up, did so many terrible things to people I loved or love. Too many to mention some minor, some major guilt ridden things, that I realise no matter how sorry, how remorseful I am, and I am, it will never alter the effects of my actions, yes I can say I was a stupid kid, but that's still not an excuse. I'll carry that guilt to the grave, as i should, the least I deserved punishment for what I've done. 

But, you have to carry on, move forward for the sake of the people who love you and for the sake of yourself. I mean to think at one point I was squatting in an old flat, that I still happened to have the keys too, and not having lived there for months, wasn't even sure they would actually open the door, I faced a 5mile walk from Penarth to Grangetown just to find that out. Luckily they did. This was at 7am in the morning after my parents threw me out of the house in Penarth, that I was staying in whilst I was 'getting back on my feet', which Translates to basically sitting around thinking of shit to sell or ways to get hold of some cash, smoking dope, which ultimately caused this demise. 

Two days before I was up at the Lewis arms in ton, and I stole my sisters cash card, borrowed her bike, and then proceeded to cycle from ton to coryton asda, withdrew £20, rode to Grangetown to get some gear, then on to Penarth. Got stoned went to sleep. 

Next day, skinned up in the bathroom, left gear etc on floor of bathroom, went to town, came back gear gone. Fuck. My mum or dad have popped in and I've been busted. I walk to the pay phone round the corner, ring mum, she knows, she's very disappointed, upset, gutted, I'm gutted, I'm sorry, but dads on his way over first thing in the morning and you are out she said. One of the worst moments I remember. By the off chance an old mate walks past and can see I'm upset, he offered me somewhere to stay the day after, I accept his offer. Fate that was. I don't buy all the Jesus shite, but that was fate.

So, 6 am a knock at the door, it's my dad, he pins up against the wall, and rightly so you'd argue, and put all my shit in black bin bags, and locked the front door whilst I stood outside. No where to go. With 6 bags of clothes and shit. 

A shameful tale that on my part. One of many. I didn't learn though. I ended up homeless again, twice. Albeit briefly. This time I stayed at the flat for about a week, spent every day out of the flat, looking for work and some help, got a job working for transco where ikea is now, and eventually found a really nice fella who took pity on me, I gave him a load of bullshit when describing how I'd got there.... I walked daily from Llandaff to Grangetown and back, until I got paid two weeks later, but yes you guessed it, I shit on him aswell, after about 4 weeks I stole a £20 off him, he bust me, threw me out at 11:30pm, slept in Cardiff bus station. Found a new gaff the very next day. Was a terrible shithole. 

The story does continue but it's so long I cannot be arsed, basically ended up in a B and B, which led to Margate homeless, back to Grangetown, me a bird fell in love lived in cathays, she dumped me for stealing, twat, back to cross keys to mum and dad, met Natalie, end of. 

I'm off.