I've been up since about 3pm , I think, had my operation Thursday just gone, got home Friday afternoon.
As you do with general anaesthetic you lose track of the hours, but wow, the 24 hrs after the op, infact the 48 after, have been awful. Fair play. Horrible constant migraine since the operation, subsides briefly for about an hour tops when given IV paracetemol, and add to that the ward I was in had zero windows, no fresh air at all, very stuffy, so had to escape to the corridors or outside just for some rest from the stale, sickly air. Was horrible and lonely, for some stupid reason I gave the mrs my phone when they called me in for the op, what a dick. The Mrs agrees entirely.
I wasn't nervous, I was just praying it wasn't cancelled, but fuck me I wasn't mentally prepared for the aftermath of pain and discomfort.
It's only about now I'm starting to get elements of myself back, a kind of clearer mind, the foginess of pain relief is slowly subsiding. I'm still getting the pins and needles in my lips, face and finger tips, calcium issues apparently so they gave me some tablets for that, nice chewy ones.
I thought I was prepared, clearly I was wrong.
All the while, Natalie is possibly having an attack, poor thing, so much going on again for her, the stress of uni, work and me not helping. I know she'll be ok, but I hate her suffering. Hate it.
She feels bad because she can't fuss like she likes too, her own words, lol, not mine, but I say to her I will recover from this, she has a condition to deal with, it's not about me so don't worry and concentrate on yerself. She won't listen. That's why I fell in love with her, one of many reasons.
Lauren's being a bit weird , I think, towards me, none of the 'x' on her texts anymore, and her one line replies to my texts about money just make me think she Thinks I'm being a bellend, I've kind of come to the conclusion that she thinks that anyway but that says more about me than about her.
I dunno, I'm not a role model of any kind at all for her, I mean she was the major factor behind doing a degree, I want her to be proud of me, I'm not proud of my dad, he's never given me reason to be, and I'm not complaining here, I have my step dad, who's been amazing to me, but it's Yer dad init, and it matters, whether you think it does or not, it matters, so I'm very aware of this when I'm around her, for her own good, I don't want to harm her inadvertently, but I guess this is just something that will inevitably happen. Kids hurt their parents and vice versa, it's nature to a degree, so perhaps stop fucking going on about it here and just deal with it?? Yes, good shout.
Whatever happens the world keeps turning. Was thinking about that. You know, life goes on, how one minute your own life and experience is so at the forefront of everything, when to 99.99% of every other specie on the planet it's completely and utterly irrelevant. Yeh, I don't like that, it's a very lonely thought. It's completely and utterly correct of course, but very isolationg.
Anyway, now that this op has been done, perhaps I can look forward to some walking, some golf, no more migraines, please, and just generally feeling much better, and moving forward knowing this MEN1 shite is under control. Add to this the worry it causes the Mrs, let's hope she can find something to positive to fill the worry with now.
Yeh, a weird few days, work have extended my probation due to time off ill, but that's cool I can live with that. A job is a job right now. Will look at that again later on.
Gonna call it a night.
Grateful.
Xx
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