Bored on days off, can't go far cos of legs but on top of that nowhere to fookin go on a Tuesday or Wednesday, everyone is working, but it is what it is.
Mrs having sleep trouble again, looks so drained the poor thing.
House is a mess as well, just clothes everywhere but nowhere to put them and the rest of the shit.
Mrs keeps getting at me about smoking the old gear. She has a strong argument, but I get the feeling she doesn't consider how difficult I would find trying to stop, especially as I've no desire to do so, I enjoy it, it chills me out, helps me cope with life. I fear I'm not strong enough to let it go.
I am absolutely razzed here but it's a nice relaxed buzz, nothing drastic, and the pain has certainly subsided.
Week 2 of BG, it's still easy money, classroom most of the day, having a laugh along the way, and the best thing is the training group is my team so we will grow together, and everyone seems nice which always makes it easier. I'm not sure about our TM, she seems a bit serious, po faced, but that's exactly like me so im not sure what that means lol.
But yeh, last week I really struggled with adjusting, but now when I go in I feel much more at home, the little things like going to get a tea or for a fag, feeling comfortable and like you belong there is important. My shifts are good and bad, but they are steady, meaning they don't change week by week. Shorter hours than Conduit, Monday Thursday Friday Saturday 8 - 6, 2 15 mins breaks either side of a 45 min lunch, which is just right, cos half hour is never quite enough and an hour is too long.
The calls are varied, which I think will be really good, I managed nearly 2 yrs of booking appointments. Call after call, Sunday's, birthdays, bank holidays, lates, earlies, shite hours but stuck to it, so this is gonna be a piece of piss, and the fact the calls are varied means, hopefully, the days will go a little bit quicker. I also enjoy the fact I never work more than 3 days in a row, and that every Monday I can go to work knowing it's the equivalent of my Friday.
Having a job used to scare the living shit out of me, the commitment it requires, the discipline to go, the soul selling, but the positives far outweigh the negatives and when things are tough and not all that enjoyable, you have to grab those positives with both hands and focus. If I can adjust to do it then anyone can, I consider myself weak minded at the best of times, but lately, last couple of years I've come to see that perhaps I'm stronger than I thought.
Anyway, enough of that bullshit, haha, been watching a lot of shameless, completed it and now I'm back onto series 6... God we have over 300 to channels to watch but it's all shit, too much choice infact, which also gives licence to making programmes such as towie and x factory...
Lauren has decided she wants to go to Swansea uni preferably, and I'm so proud of her decision making process, she's spot on with it, very mature, she has such a good head on her shoulders, but I feel is susceptible to making bad choices, but only in fear do I think that. She places a lot of weight on fitting in and pressure to perform and look in a way that doesn't matter in the scheme of things... I mean she has very expensive taste and for someone who, according to her, is given over £200 a month, with no rent or bills to pay at all, she seems to always need money. Even her mobile Bill is being paid for by her mother, I wouldn't fucking stand for that nonsense tbh.... She has to learn habits of responsibility now, I mean she will eventually of course, but I worry it will be a whole lot harder for her because she is so modicuddled by her family. It makes me sad to witness the effect it clearly has on her perceptions and attitudes towards what matters.
It's hard to fathom I'm a dad sometimes, I mean on a day to day basis I'm not a parent, I mean I am by nature but I don't get to see her, or deal with everyday issues or subjects, so I find it incredibly hard to feel like a parent, I feel bad for that naturally, but it's a circumstantial situation.
My biggest and most apparent fear is that Lauren will reject me as a father, I wasn't there when she came into this world and I'm not with her as much I want to be. I'd die for that girl in an instant, I just want her to need me. She's the most important person that ever lived right now.
Another fucking late one then meaning I'm getting up late meaning I'll miss half the day asleep, although when yer asleep you are as good as dead, meaning nothing matters which can be bliss, this time tomorrow I'll be fretting about going to work for 3 days in a row, and then I'll get over it and get on with it, so why bother fretting in the first place??? It's ridiculous. I think I'm just biologically allergic to work. Lol. Bellend.
Thought of the day :
Keep calm and carry on
In a bit
X
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