Been a good week, seem to have got over the cold and work wise, getting more and more used to taking calls, still loads to learn of course, but Yeh starting to feel I'm part of the 'gang' lol.
Building a bifta here . . . . . . . . . Done.
It's twenty past three lol, been good all week sleep wise, nice early nights etc, sensible like so fuck it, nice lie in, and I know Lauren will appreciate that sentiment.
Not much else going on really.. Haven't spoken to me dad for weeks, he's away with meg and Clare along with katie and family in Devon I believe. Some times with dad it seems like he's trying to make a point, and I sometimes worry I've pissed him off but then I think, well, he would say if I have.... Dunno, need to sort out thank you cards thought, it's been too long already, but anyway it'd be a Nice break for them. Not sure if sian has gone or not.
Mum seems ok from brief exchanges on facebook.
Managed to get some solid but it doesn't crumble as it should, big clumps like, so it's going sharpish and no sign of anything soon anywhere , starting to panic. It's like my life's foundation, as long as I have that I can face anything, the mere idea of not having a joint when I come home from work really gets me down in the dumps. I realise how pathetic that may sound but it is what it is.
I feel grounded with it.
One day I will stop it, I know it, my mind needs to be at a certain place where it's like ' enough is enough ' and I just accept it, very easily, that's how I think it'll happen when I do eventually stop.
Twinges again tonight, which reminds me I spoke to work finally about my health, I spoke to ,y manager actually and she was receptive and empathetic, so good signs, the reality of it may be somewhat different in practice if it means I have to go outside for air a few times in one shift or worse case scenario I have to call in sick. That worries me greatly, I've been in a lot of discomfort at some points in training so far, but do not want to risk a black mark against my name for being off sick. Natalie keeps saying ' you have a condition, you are not well ' and you are protected by the equality act etc etc, and that does help massively but the reality is most people feel some sort of guilt when calling in sick, genuine or not. I'm getting a bit obsessed by it all really which can't be good mentally!?
If I'm sick I'm sick, tough shit British Gas, deal with it. Yeh, that's how I need to be when I'm not good.
I've had zero fucking support from the hospital, I should have been referred to genetic counselling but nothing. There are people I can talk to , Macmillan, some work employee support line as well but I don't ever pick up the phone and call, I don't know why, I guess I haven't got to that point where I felt I needed to, if I did, I would have by now but they are there if I do, which is kind of nice to know, and of course I have my wife, the wonderful Natalie, who moves heaven and earth to comfort me. I feel almost invincible if I know she is around to look after me, like nothing could get me..
This cancer nonsense, yes I've had it, a tumour, on the pancreas, it was removed, I'm ok, it seems on paper very simple and almost not even note worthy, like a wart which can just be frozen off, job done, finito. But then again, it got there in the 1st place, how? Will it happen again? And if so, where? How bad? It's like yer on a tight rope, I've always said this anyway, but with this tumour cancer shit, it could return anytime and then what? It could change everything, it may well not return and cool beans, but it's hard to regard myself as a cancer sufferer in the same breadth as the likes of say Lauren's auntie who had chemo, lost her hair, all sorts, and the others who endured all that suffering, so although, yes, I had cancer, I didn't, yer know?? May sound weird but there you go.
Anyway, enough of that shit.
Thought of the day:
Cherish the gift of children.
In a bit. X
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