61

It's Early Saturday am Natalie has been feeling sick for days, non stop, finding it very hard and wow who can blame her?!

Poor thing. 

I've always regarded myself as terrible around people who are ill. Natalie is very vocal it helps her deal with it, and so I'm doing my best to do whatever I can to make it that little bit easier for her. Just hope I don't fuck it up somehow by saying the wrong thing or acting in a selfish manner. If only there was a way I could control my own action?? Haha.

What a dick! 

So yeh that's been happening the baby is the size of a raspberry apparently. It's mad. 

I'm reading about it, the stages etc getting involved and all that jazz. Wanna do it good this time round because only a fool repeats history. 

It's all been done proper though, married solid relationship, then baby, seems natural I guess. 

Back to work Monday. Phased return. 

3 hours so that's 8-11 this week piss easy to me but it's mad how tired you get after time off like this, but flexibility is amazing they even say if after 2 hours I'm done then just go home. Safe. Haha. 

Lauren doing ok she has the MEN1 sadly. In one way it's cool because she is the only person I know who has it but I really really hope she doesn't suffer like me and the chances of that are very low as I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34. 

Sian apologised. I was genuinely taken back by it but reaffirmed my faith in her also it meant she must respect Natalie and that's the most important thing. Very pleased. 

Anyway, 

In a bit 

X

60

2.19 am still up from previous post. 

Natalie asleep. Bless her. Love her. 

Lauren over tomorrow. Be nice. Love her. 

As the day has progressed it's got a bit better from earlier but under riding sense of, I dunno, like worry I'd say is the best word to use. Worries that something isn't quite right in the world. Mine and Natalie's relationship has kind of been on hold in terms of physical contact. It's had quite an effect on the pair of us this, she's trying to quit the fags, amongst all the other everyday shit to deal with. All the funny pains and emotions, gotta be hard and she's my inspiration in dealing with this positively, because if she can do this, with everything she has to contend with then so can I. 

I don't smoke around her at all. Well. I'll be in the garden room or out front, she knows what I'm doing but I feel funny smoking around her. It's the right thing to do, but changing these habits is hard, like I say Natalie has had to stop, I haven't. So perspective. 

Back to work next week need the money, had a decent rest and plenty of sleep haha. 

Get back into it and look forward and provide for my new child. Our child. Our baby. Our life.

It awaits us.

In a bit 

X

59

It's Monday morning, 10:45, Natalie in work feeling really sick poor thing.

Woke up feeling such despair today, the idea of responsibility and doing the 'right' things regarding our child scaring the living shit out of me. Made me think about work, and the idea of being effectively chained to a telephone at those customers beck and call shits me up. Can't bear it. So I've been looking for work elsewhere, something with more meat. Something that makes a real difference. 

Needing to feed from my perspective right now to feel above a level of depressed. Just managing to keep my head above water here, feel like I'm struggling. Really struggling. 

Does everyone get like this? I like to think they do, not that I wish it on anybody, but in the sense that I'm not naive enough to believe that many people I know who work have moments like this. It's hard. 

Probably compounded by the fact I have a lot of time of my hands right now. Never a good mix with me.

Currently watching Jeff Brazier, a man who is on the tele because he had a relationship with somebody who went on big brother and was a bit controversial. Fuck me what a blagger. How the fuck has he done that. Good luck to him, if it was me I'd probably do it, but he's earning a good living and yet there are people out there who can't catch a break and never will. It's just not fair, and I guess that's life in a nutshell, it's not just at all. So what do I expect for myself if life is that good to the lucky lot like Jeff? 

It's not that I'm not lucky, of course I am, but constantly drawing on perspective can be tiresome. 

It's a battle to survive. 

58

Just a note I'm losing my self in the foginess that invades your mind when thinking too much and when you have too much time to think. 

I don't feel ready yet I'm aware I'm losing us money at a time when we need it most but I'm tired a lot today I had tingling in my hands for first time in a few days, so I'm weary. 

On the outside I appear fine. I can manage a trip to Asda for example but that's about it right now. 

But, I am getting ready to return to work having discovered they have me scheduled off until the 5th March, they don't expect me to rush back, which takes the pressure off.

Slowly though It's good to think about and prepare mentally for the return because it will be tiring. 

Natalie has been feeling sick today, a lot. Bless her. Almost nothing you can do to prevent that short of cyclizine which she isn't allowed. Poor bugger. I'll look after her. 

Lauren, haven't heard from her since Wednesday. Too caught up in her own life perhaps. She says she's coming over Tueaday. We shall see. Hope so. 

Anyway, another late one again. 

LFC beat palace earlier in the cup. 2-1 away. 

In a bit

X

57

I'm so alone. 

Disregarding the wife of course I have no real friends. Nobody I feel I can be really comfortable with to divulge my inner most thoughts and sometimes you need someone like that in your life, again my wife is my best friend in the world but it'd be nice to have someone who isn't her and you can banter with YER know. 

I'm 35 and I'm alone with no friends. 

It's my personality which doesn't help because I like to chill and I hate the pub and I like to chat with people but only when I'm in the mood. I can't expect anybody to be there at my beck and call. 

I have friends in the sense of good people who I share social time with but not a proper friend who just comes over and has a chat like Natalie has with kelly or sheryl. 

Every issue or problem I ever face in life I talk to my wife about which of course is a positive but it'd be nice to have that special mate YER know. 

Sad. This is not to devalue the friendships I do have with people you understand. 

58

3.18am Natalie still awake from this morning had horrible day apparently and worried about a patient. 

She's bunged up also and can't smoke to boot. Poor thing. 

Had to make her cuppa tea so now

It's 3.50am I don't want to go to bed and end up falling asleep before she does wouldn't be fair to her considering I don't have to be up for anything. Strange logic I know but it's guilt. I live with guilt every single day for some of the terrible things I've done in the past. 

And don't feel it's my place to address it as it's the price you pay for doing wrong. You live with it regardless of anything else. And this can transfer over in my personality I guess. Can't dismiss it though and never will. 

Anyway I find myself writing quite profound and deep stuff a lot of the time but that's just me I guess. Need to work more on the lighter side of life, I have a good go I've got a decent sense of humour. Most people I meet describe my humour or personality as very dry, haha, Yeh. 

Again regarding the baby news I've been good again today it serves no purplose at all to be negative about it. Embracing it as much as I can without getting too attached because it's still early days. 

Natalie's mum has had a couple of miscarriages in the past so we are both aware of this. It's biology which you can't fight to a large degree at times so need to wait. But when the day comes that we can share it that's gonna be a huge relief and hugely exciting too, for all the family and I just know how pleased everyone will be for us. 

Anyway haven't heard the mrs move for a few mins. Fingers crossed x 

57

Better today. Much better. 

Better feeling. Better outlook. 

Looked after Natalie properly for first time which is shameful, its been a week. 

Finally realised it will be amazing and such a positive overall experience for us. We have to fully embrace these challenges they are sent for a reason. 

We are gonna be ok and I will do my best maintain a good Relationship with her. 

We must remember us also and we will. 

Start the day with positivity. 

Next step is the scan at 12 weeks. 

We go from there 

Can't wait to tell people. 

Lauren will have another Brother or Sister. 

Amazing.

Thought of the day :

protect and serve your amazing wife and mother to be. Always. 

In a bit x