Woke up feeling such despair today, the idea of responsibility and doing the 'right' things regarding our child scaring the living shit out of me. Made me think about work, and the idea of being effectively chained to a telephone at those customers beck and call shits me up. Can't bear it. So I've been looking for work elsewhere, something with more meat. Something that makes a real difference.
Needing to feed from my perspective right now to feel above a level of depressed. Just managing to keep my head above water here, feel like I'm struggling. Really struggling.
Does everyone get like this? I like to think they do, not that I wish it on anybody, but in the sense that I'm not naive enough to believe that many people I know who work have moments like this. It's hard.
Probably compounded by the fact I have a lot of time of my hands right now. Never a good mix with me.
Currently watching Jeff Brazier, a man who is on the tele because he had a relationship with somebody who went on big brother and was a bit controversial. Fuck me what a blagger. How the fuck has he done that. Good luck to him, if it was me I'd probably do it, but he's earning a good living and yet there are people out there who can't catch a break and never will. It's just not fair, and I guess that's life in a nutshell, it's not just at all. So what do I expect for myself if life is that good to the lucky lot like Jeff?
It's not that I'm not lucky, of course I am, but constantly drawing on perspective can be tiresome.
It's a battle to survive.
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