56

It's been a looong day. 

Upset Natalie earlier. Although she's feeling very emotional right now and struggling to give up smoking. She wasn't prepared to be just told right, stop smoking by her conscience. 

She's scared of the pain, nausea and ailments that come with this. 

She needs me to be strong and supportive. Not moping about. It's so hard to escape the fears. 

But if I'm scared imagine how she's feeling. Must be horrible and I think she's doubting the whole thing, I'm not helping as I'm coming across like I don't want the baby. It's not that I don't want to have a baby it's just I kinda resent the fact it's invaded both our lives like it has. It's just going to take some time to get my head around it. 

This woman deserves the easiest life possible, that's supposed to be my role so I need to pull my finger out. Nothing's changed just yet. So support her. 

55

Finding this incredibly hard. 

Not sure it's what either of us really want but think both are too scared to say. 

Dunno. 

54

It's sinking in little by little. 

Need to get over myself. This isn't about me. Whatever I may feel about it, I have to embrace it with open arms and look forward to the positives. 

Looking at houses, saw a nice one by Nats mums, ideal spot and lovely but we shall see. 

Changes see, I don't react well to change. But like I've said it's not about me. I'm irrelevant now. I am mourning my  life as it is. Because that's all over. 

Natalie feeling similar to me. This isn't ideal but it is what it is and she doesn't want to think about the alternatives. Can't blame her at all. 

She doesn't feel pregnant which is strange but there's still a long way to go so it's hard trying not to get too attached. Things can go wrong but I don't think they will. Hope I'm right. 

Watching MOTD Gerrards last Derby today 0-0 boring. 

Can't wait to tell somebody. Feel the need to share the news but it's only a few weeks best wait until the 1st scan. 

Thought of the day: 

Profound 

In a bit 

X

53

So, the mrs is pregnant then. We are having a child. I'm shit scared. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. I have more doubts than anything else. The change required scares me and I'm unprepared. I'm too selfish. I'm a shambles. I'm not parent material. Maybe these are natural thoughts and doubts? I hope so because it matters not what I think because I know Natalie wants to have the baby. She is of course scared and worried. I'm just being honest here and I need to be honest with Natalie too but I don't want to upset her at the same time if I tell her and the way I tell her. I will support her 100% of course, I will be the best I can be I'm just not sure it's good enough for another human being. They will call us mum and dad. We will start a lifelong journey with our child. It's really hit me for 6.

Have to embrace it wholeheartedly or what's the point ?? 

This child didn't ask to be here. I must remember that. 

God I'm scared. 

Life is different now

From today on, things will never be the same. 

52

Thursday 5th February 02:14, 

Just had a week in hospital. Admitted 27th Jan, with the worst case of pins and needles imaginable. 

Raging from head to toe. All over. So intensely it was burning. 

Into a & e fair play no wait straight into a bed, calcium infusion writhing couple hours, started to feel better but levels were very low. Normal levels 2.2 - 2.6 mine were at 1.5 very very low. Not good at all.

A direct result of the operation. 

Was eventually placed onto a ward, A1 ward, bed 21, pain killers taken, was told I would be monitored overnight with regular bloods and calcium level monitoring, this was essential as it can effect the function of the heart. So when I had the first infusion I was monitored by ecg at the same time. This should have been repeated after further blood tests overnight, monitoring, but this was not forthcoming at all. The worst night of my life. I was screaming for help with the pain, nobody offered me another infusion or blood test, it was awful, I had been lost in the system, the doctors looking after me couldn't find me. Eventually around 8am they did they took blood they gave calcium infusion, it topped me up, the pain started to subside, I slept, Natalie slept, it was the worst part over. But they failed me and Natalie completely. I felt so desperate for help I had to ring Natalie at 3 am to come and help me. And she did. Amazing, and helped me through the pain, lost lots of sleep whilst I threw up, couldn't breathe, couldn't relax, nightmare. 

Was then moved to a surgical ward C2. Been there before so felt better, shared a room with 3 others. 

Spent the next 7 days and nights having regular bloods taken, regular ecg tests, calcium and pain killer infusions, tablets and the worry that this was taking its toll on the mrs. Very difficult. 

Didn't expect that tbh, so been weird and a little weird to be home now, you get used to it, the noise, a hospital is never quiet, never silent, it's an organism. 

Calcium was being taken by my bones, not leaving enough in the blood, Hypocalcemia, had to wait for the bones to settle in its taking of the levels, seems to have started to settle, let's hope so. 

Sian upset Natalie the day I went in, which I only learned of the day I came home, was very upset and angry with sian, who has shown no respect to Natalie by ignoring her response, be it on facebook by text or face to face, she didn't need to say what she did, she argues she doesn't want to do this on Facebook hence her lack of reply yet it was good enough to instigate the argument in the first place. She is completely and utterly wrong. 

Natalie and her will deal with it between them, but sian has got it so wrong. 

Lauren has passed her test now has her car and insurance. 

It's great for her but I so worry that although she's fantastic in college and generally at home, and she has worked, she is still getting a lot on a plate without having to work toward it, she isn't paying her way which in life you must, we all must, we've all not at some stage but the longer you don't the harder it is to do.

I do hope she doesn't struggle when she hits the real world. 

Natalie asleep, gonna go bed too in a bit. 

Thought of the day:

Dunno 

In a bit x

51

It's 1.19am Sunday 25th January, 

I've been up since about 3pm , I think, had my operation Thursday just gone, got home Friday afternoon.

As you do with general anaesthetic you lose track of the hours, but wow, the 24 hrs after the op, infact the 48 after, have been awful. Fair play. Horrible constant migraine since the operation, subsides briefly for about an hour tops when given IV paracetemol, and add to that the ward I was in had zero windows, no fresh air at all, very stuffy, so had to escape to the corridors or outside just for some rest from the stale, sickly air. Was horrible and lonely, for some stupid reason I gave the mrs my phone when they called me in for the op, what a dick. The Mrs agrees entirely. 

I wasn't nervous, I was just praying it wasn't cancelled, but fuck me I wasn't mentally prepared for the aftermath of pain and discomfort. 

It's only about now I'm starting to get elements of myself back, a kind of clearer mind, the foginess of pain relief is slowly subsiding. I'm still getting the pins and needles in my lips, face and finger tips, calcium issues apparently so they gave me some tablets for that, nice chewy ones. 

I thought I was prepared, clearly I was wrong. 

All the while, Natalie is possibly having an attack, poor thing, so much going on again for her, the stress of uni, work and me not helping. I know she'll be ok, but I hate her suffering. Hate it. 

She feels bad because she can't fuss like she likes too, her own words, lol, not mine, but I say to her I will recover from this, she has a condition to deal with, it's not about me so don't worry and concentrate on yerself. She won't listen. That's why I fell in love with her, one of many reasons. 

Lauren's being a bit weird , I think, towards me, none of the 'x' on her texts anymore, and her one line replies to my texts about money just make me think she Thinks I'm being a bellend, I've kind of come to the conclusion that she thinks that anyway but that says more about me than about her. 

I dunno, I'm not a role model of any kind at all for her, I mean she was the major factor behind doing a degree, I want her to be proud of me, I'm not proud of my dad, he's never given me reason to be, and I'm not complaining here, I have my step dad, who's been amazing to me, but it's Yer dad init, and it matters, whether you think it does or not, it matters, so I'm very aware of this when I'm around her, for her own good, I don't want to harm her inadvertently, but I guess this is just something that will inevitably happen. Kids hurt their parents and vice versa, it's nature to a degree, so perhaps stop fucking going on about it here and just deal with it?? Yes, good shout. 

Whatever happens the world keeps turning. Was thinking about that. You know, life goes on, how one minute your own life and experience is so at the forefront of everything, when to 99.99% of every other specie on the planet it's completely and utterly irrelevant. Yeh, I don't like that, it's a very lonely thought. It's completely and utterly correct of course, but very isolationg. 

Anyway, now that this op has been done, perhaps I can look forward to some walking, some golf, no more migraines, please, and just generally feeling much better, and moving forward knowing this MEN1 shite is under control. Add to this the worry it causes the Mrs, let's hope she can find something to positive to fill the worry with now. 

Yeh,  a weird few days, work have extended my probation due to time off ill, but that's cool I can live with that. A job is a job right now. Will look at that again later on. 

Gonna call it a night.

Grateful. 

Xx