49

Natalie asleep whist I watch royale family upstairs in my rocking chair, covered in blankets cos it's cold. 

Day off today, didn't do anything except upgrade my phone, went for the iPhone 5s, be nice to have a decent phone again. 

Very tired, bit floopy from tramadols, gotta say it's not a great feeling, had a bit of a moment in work the other day after taking them, but still getting by, no more sickness from work since that Saturday. 

Lauren's doing well, getting offers left right and centre for uni, conditional like but offers never the less. Fair play to her. 

Not long til Xmas. Just over two weeks now, looking forward to the time off work, be nice to have a rest for a week, be nice to just forget about it for a few days Yer know... And then new year I guess. 

Anyway, can't complain, all seems ok for now. 

Thought of the day: 

Lay off the tramadols. 

In a bit 

X

48

Been a while. Nearly a month in fact. 

So, work is progressing nicely, in all I like it, I enjoy working for a company that takes its time with you and has faith in you a bit, and let's you learn at your own pace. Plus I'm at that stage almost where I really feel part of the furniture but I daren't get ahead of myself yet. Probation still looms large.

I did pull a sicky though, couple Saturday's ago I didn't sleep at all the night before, was fucked, and just couldn't face it, I rang work said I was suffering from symptoms, went to sleep for a few hours and went to work for about 2 pm, only because sheryl was down that night for her bday celebrations, for which I was a miserable cunt, really can Bring the worst out of people at times me, need to work on that, just can't pretend when it comes to emotions.... 

Lauren's cool getting on with her job and passed the theory test, I've no doubt she's booked her proper test, even though I said she has to budget her money accordingly but she won't listen to me, teenagers know best don't they.. Lol...I did when I was 17, and look where it got me.

Natalie is ok I guess, she's working so hard at the moment with uni shit to do also, wish she would learn to relax a bit more but what do I know about pressure, sweet fuck all, so it's understandable she's a bit all over the place.....bless her. 

I've been a dickhead with money again, I have a drug problem also, and this is scary for me, I don't know if I can overcome it or even if I want to I've become so reliant of this routine I have, it would feel like a huge psychological loss to me right now, but it's got to stop surely, I'm probably gonna be having a baby with the Mrs soon and I can't be fannying about with trying to get hold of gear when my kid needs a nappy change or summat...... I don't know what to do..

Of course when I have ganger I don't concern myself with these thoughts, apart from here, because everything is fine, I feel capable of dealing with everything, it is an essential ingredient to getting on with it, but does one need this to survive the highs and lows of life? Not everyone does no, but I think I do, which doesn't feel right, but it's not the worse thing in the world either, it's a weird predicament. 

Xmas around the corner and for the first time in a couple of years I'm off for a decent amount of time, finish on the 20th, back in for one shift on 29th then off til the 2nd. Fair play that's sound that.

Got a few pressies to sort out mind, couple more for the Mrs , and the rest of family then... 

Yeh just been getting on with it I guess, sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's piss easy... 

Thought of the day:

Look after the pennies.

In a bit x

47

Monday, well, early hrs Tuesday. Two days off. Bliss. 

The Mrs is ok, she's off too tomorrow, be nice to be around each other all day.

Lauren working tomorrow, new job, four hour shift. 

I've got a brain tumour. A tumour in the pituitary gland. 10mm in size apparently. Will be monitored. Benign. Still, not the best news ever, but it's another element of my condition. 

Works ok, still having those moments of despair where I just can't face doing it for the next 50 years or whatever it is, of course I'm not going to be doing this for that long and it's good for the soul to work an honest day's work. Still learning the job but had a few days now on the phones with 2 to 1 mentoring. Had the boss sat in with me today, she's cool tuffy. Very gentle but very firm. 

Wish we had a sofa bed, just can't be arsed to walk up them stairs lol. 

Thought of the day: 

It's never as bad as it seems

In a bit.

46

Woke up today with a mental headache, proceeded to throw up about half hour later, fell asleep for an hour on the settee, feel a whole lot better but still lingering. 

Fucking horrible. 

Watching Scottish football. Aberdeen v celtic. It's boring. 

Natalie working. I wish she was here. 

Just a short one today. 

In a bit. 

45

Post 45. Didn't think this would go on this long. Originally started to try and deal with some Anger I was feeling not long after the whole operation and cancer shite. That's improved since loads, hardly feel anger these days, so it maybe helped then. Good thinking. 

Off me tits again, pain in legs again, up late again, day off again, all I do when Im off work is sit on me arse all day watching various tv ...

But, I do get tired as a result of all this men 1 shit. 

Natalie asleep, poor thing had no kip last night so she knackered today and glad she got off ok earlier. The love I have for that woman is , oooohhhh, hard to fathom. Immense. Intense. Amazing. 

Lauren enjoyed her first day at work today, mostly paper work but another shift Saturday for 3 hrs for her and so on.... Well done to her. 

I sometimes seem to enjoy alone time more than being around people, Natalie or Lauren withstanding, everyone else seems to take second place... It's terrible to say that but I find life hard that I get a bit carried away with the constant daily battles I fight just to get through the day, the mere thought of working almost brings me out in a rash lol, but it is a battle to find the positives and to hold onto them. I say a battle they are easy to find but I'm always looking to find them, Dyou get me ?

But wow, I've made progress these last few years. I never thought I'd reach a stage where I could hold a job down for more than a year, but I did, and I'm glad I've overcome that fear of commitment work wise, and no matter how you feel you just have to do it. Illness aside that is. 

Took me years to grow up, did so many terrible things to people I loved or love. Too many to mention some minor, some major guilt ridden things, that I realise no matter how sorry, how remorseful I am, and I am, it will never alter the effects of my actions, yes I can say I was a stupid kid, but that's still not an excuse. I'll carry that guilt to the grave, as i should, the least I deserved punishment for what I've done. 

But, you have to carry on, move forward for the sake of the people who love you and for the sake of yourself. I mean to think at one point I was squatting in an old flat, that I still happened to have the keys too, and not having lived there for months, wasn't even sure they would actually open the door, I faced a 5mile walk from Penarth to Grangetown just to find that out. Luckily they did. This was at 7am in the morning after my parents threw me out of the house in Penarth, that I was staying in whilst I was 'getting back on my feet', which Translates to basically sitting around thinking of shit to sell or ways to get hold of some cash, smoking dope, which ultimately caused this demise. 

Two days before I was up at the Lewis arms in ton, and I stole my sisters cash card, borrowed her bike, and then proceeded to cycle from ton to coryton asda, withdrew £20, rode to Grangetown to get some gear, then on to Penarth. Got stoned went to sleep. 

Next day, skinned up in the bathroom, left gear etc on floor of bathroom, went to town, came back gear gone. Fuck. My mum or dad have popped in and I've been busted. I walk to the pay phone round the corner, ring mum, she knows, she's very disappointed, upset, gutted, I'm gutted, I'm sorry, but dads on his way over first thing in the morning and you are out she said. One of the worst moments I remember. By the off chance an old mate walks past and can see I'm upset, he offered me somewhere to stay the day after, I accept his offer. Fate that was. I don't buy all the Jesus shite, but that was fate.

So, 6 am a knock at the door, it's my dad, he pins up against the wall, and rightly so you'd argue, and put all my shit in black bin bags, and locked the front door whilst I stood outside. No where to go. With 6 bags of clothes and shit. 

A shameful tale that on my part. One of many. I didn't learn though. I ended up homeless again, twice. Albeit briefly. This time I stayed at the flat for about a week, spent every day out of the flat, looking for work and some help, got a job working for transco where ikea is now, and eventually found a really nice fella who took pity on me, I gave him a load of bullshit when describing how I'd got there.... I walked daily from Llandaff to Grangetown and back, until I got paid two weeks later, but yes you guessed it, I shit on him aswell, after about 4 weeks I stole a £20 off him, he bust me, threw me out at 11:30pm, slept in Cardiff bus station. Found a new gaff the very next day. Was a terrible shithole. 

The story does continue but it's so long I cannot be arsed, basically ended up in a B and B, which led to Margate homeless, back to Grangetown, me a bird fell in love lived in cathays, she dumped me for stealing, twat, back to cross keys to mum and dad, met Natalie, end of. 

I'm off. 

44

Saturday night. The Mrs is out in Cardiff on Lucy's hen do. Not her sister. 

Kelly's sister in law. Kelly is Natalie's best mate, and my mate too, I actually met Kelly before I met Natalie, nothing like that, she worked for my parents at the cross keys pub Nantgarw. 

I've known her for about 13 years now, a legend, a star, we think alike also. 

So Yeh, Lauren's good, she got herself a job after I lectured her a bit to get into town and have a look round as it's almost Xmas... She eventually caved , applied and a few days later got the job, so good effort on her part, she's done well and it's an invaluable life experience for her too. 

Me? Watching Peep Show via the laptop on the tele, having a smoke, worked today, been there 5 weeks now I think, getting more confident but still getting stumped also, next week on the phones full time except Friday morning. 

So Yeh, daunting but, now the time to just get up, go work and get on with it, become one of the lads, one of the team part of the furniture and all that and look to the future. Taking into account of finally getting out of the hell hole that is conduit towers, and getting over that initial new starter feeling of change and limbo, and the bad shifts, which are to me right now, spot on, I like them. 

I don't seem to have the mentality of Mon to Sunday working week, it's weird, I'm back in Monday but really it's my Friday because I'm RDO, Rotad Day Off, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ok Thursday mornings aren't the best but it's Thursday so it's almost end of the week, get that done, Friday and then after Saturday nice day off Sunday, Never working more than 3 days in a row is beneficial in a psychological sense. The pay is amazing. The company values the staff, the amount of concern shown to me has been great in terms of health issues, had a chat with our TM 'tuffy', who incidentally is actually cool. Hard but fair, and I like that, but Yeh she sat me down to discuss my health situation and has relayed that to Occupational Health who will now contact me to discuss how they can and will support me, so that's such a relief, because with all this shit you feel a burden, because sooner or later, it's very likely I'll have to pull a sicky and when that happens, well, they will understand, I'm hoping I can get through u til January without doing that, operation will hopefully see to the symptoms. 

Yeh, so, nothing else really to report... Oh yeh, dads emailed me, we are currently exchanging very frustrating emails. 

Plan for tomorrow, we'll see how the Mrs is first, lol, and play it by ear but as much sleep as possible I reckon haha. Lazy cunt.

Thought of the day:

Stop eating shit yer fat twat.

In a bit x

43

Early Wednesday am, Lauren staying, her and Natalie asleep. Not long and I'm off to bed.

Been a good week, seem to have got over the cold and work wise, getting more and more used to taking calls, still loads to learn of course, but Yeh starting to feel I'm part of the 'gang' lol. 

Building a bifta here . . . . . . . . . Done. 

It's twenty past three lol, been good all week sleep wise, nice early nights etc, sensible like so fuck it, nice lie in, and I know Lauren will appreciate that sentiment. 

Not much else going on really.. Haven't spoken to me dad for weeks, he's away with meg and Clare along with katie and family in Devon I believe. Some times with dad it seems like he's trying to make a point, and I sometimes worry I've pissed him off but then I think, well, he would say if I have.... Dunno, need to sort out thank you cards thought, it's been too long already, but anyway it'd be a Nice break for them. Not sure if sian has gone or not.

Mum seems ok from brief exchanges on facebook. 

Managed to get some solid but it doesn't crumble as it should, big clumps like, so it's going sharpish and no sign of anything soon anywhere , starting to panic. It's like my life's foundation, as long as I have that I can face anything, the mere idea of not having a joint when I come home from work really gets me down in the dumps. I realise how pathetic that may sound but it is what it is. 

I feel grounded with it. 

One day I will stop it, I know it, my mind needs to be at a certain place where it's like ' enough is enough ' and I just accept it, very easily, that's how I think it'll happen when I do eventually stop. 

Twinges again tonight, which reminds me I spoke to work finally about my health, I spoke to ,y manager actually and she was receptive and empathetic, so good signs, the reality of it may be somewhat different in practice if it means I have to go outside for air a few times in one shift or worse case scenario I have to call in sick. That worries me greatly, I've been in a lot of discomfort at some points in training so far, but do not want to risk a black mark against my name for being off sick. Natalie keeps saying ' you have a condition, you are not well ' and you are protected by the equality act etc etc, and that does help massively but the reality is most people feel some sort of guilt when calling in sick, genuine or not. I'm getting a bit obsessed by it all really which can't be good mentally!? 

If I'm sick I'm sick, tough shit British Gas, deal with it. Yeh, that's how I need to be when I'm not good. 

I've had zero fucking support from the hospital, I should have been referred to genetic counselling but nothing. There are people I can talk to , Macmillan, some work employee support line as well but I don't ever pick up the phone and call, I don't know why, I guess I haven't got to that point where I felt I needed to, if I did, I would have by now but they are there if I do, which is kind of nice to know, and of course I have my wife, the wonderful Natalie, who moves heaven and earth to comfort me. I feel almost invincible if I know she is around to look after me, like nothing could get me.. 

This cancer nonsense, yes I've had it, a tumour, on the pancreas, it was removed, I'm ok, it seems on paper very simple and almost not even note worthy, like a wart which can just be frozen off, job done, finito. But then again, it got there in the 1st place, how? Will it happen again? And if so, where? How bad? It's like yer on a tight rope, I've always said this anyway, but with this tumour cancer shit, it could return anytime and then what? It could change everything, it may well not return and cool beans, but it's hard to regard myself as a cancer sufferer in the same breadth as the likes of say Lauren's auntie who had chemo, lost her hair, all sorts, and the others who endured all that suffering, so although, yes, I had cancer, I didn't, yer know?? May sound weird but there you go.

Anyway, enough of that shit. 

Thought of the day: 

Cherish the gift of children. 

In a bit. X

42

Just getting over a cold, was Saturday just gone, it's early Wednesday now, day in work then a quick bevvie with the team, on way home on train just knew something was coming. You seem to get a sign just before, you mostly dismiss it, as I did here. got home, couldn't really relax, and then suddenly my left nostril was completely blocked. By Monday morning I was like death walking into work, couple of the team said ' you do not look well mate '. Was a horrible day but comforted by the fact I was off the next day, so with severe lack of sleep and constant blowing me nose, I got through it, home then rest.

Did fuck all today, Tuesday , that is. 

Lauren's well, she keeps hinting at how skint she is, and how she needs to have these driving lessons like every week, and I'm l like you get money via csa, which you have told me yer mum gives straight to you, which is what 150 a month, and that's not enough to last a 17 yr old with no responsibility except to get to and from college, she retorts with I needed a new top cos of this house party, era, you really don't need to buy new clothes for every house party, or even going out to a pub, it's ridiculous that twit use which has been nurtured and fulfilled by her mother and family.... Or she needs to have 2 hour driving lessons next week dos her instructor said, well of course he will say that, I mean forgive my scepticism here but so what, why can't it wait another couple of weeks? If you can't afford it then well I'm sorry but tough. It comes across like I'm a stingy fucker toward Lauren, and I admit I have been, but this is Deffo not this time, she needs to learn that in the real world you can't just go about having everything you want when you want it without making some sort of sacrifice on her part, and that's what's missing from her life to a degree now. Sadly the place she works don't seem to need her much lately, but I've tried helping her with jobs, gave her details of a couple of places, offered to print cvs for her, help with applications, and when I ask for updates she says she forgot to apply for the job... I mean, she's complaining she is always skint, and yet there is a job, a chance to make regular money on the table and she forgets about taking steps to address her money issues... I honestly don't understand that logic... Part of me thinks she just cannot be arsed, which she has a tendency to adopt, so then I think fine, I can't be arsed to bail you out. 

Whatever my rationale when it comes to money she'll think I'm a fucking dickhead no doubt.

I always feel I'm never gonna be taken seriously by the girl. 

I did however offer to pay for her theory as a way of supporting her, because I do support her as she is having a go at this driving thing and doing great in college so you have to be seen to be doing things like that to help with her confidence... But truth be told I'm not sure she is prepared for it, she'll say she is but I know different... Just intuition I guess, and I don't blame her for that, I was like it, we've all tried to blag it like ...... I was the king of bragging it at one point of my life. Haha. 

Natalie is ok I guess, she seems really really down lately, work I shit, uni work on top of that, and of course me to deal with, wish I could fix her. Health wise she's doing very well, in the sense she's still adopting the attitude of Fuck Off, I'm doing what I want and you ain't gonna stop me, brave. So proud to call her my wife and to be called her husband. Marriage is good for the soul. It protects the love we hold for each other. 

Me, well health same as ever really, few more pains in stomach past week or so, sore legs and feet as per, but gladly I haven't needed time off work. Half our days there now are actually taking calls, and learning on the job with mentors. This is good, they are happy to help and let us try and deal with the calls as much as we can, feedback is immediate, it's relaxed right now, so making the most of that side of it. Starting to feel like I belong more and more each week there, and to be honest it's a nice environment to be in, add to that I get a grand pay rise if I pass probation, then there is lots to be positive about, regardless of the shit Saturday shifts lol.

Wow, a long one today, what else has been happening? I do need a pee so hang on ....... that's better... Not much I guess, trying to stay in touch with likes of Joe from conduit, but he is ignoring all lines of communication for some reason, as is Emily who to be fair, is hard work, I appreciate she has mental issues of course, but don't we all?? I mean we've all got shit to deal with, day to day shit, past shit, future shit, we all have it... But I guess we are all guilty of letting it get the better of us also, Christ I'm hard work for fucks sake so as much as that statement is true, it's not that simple I guess.

Haven't heard from my dad since just after the honeymoon, think he's like me in that sense, I'm terrible at staying in regular contact with the people I love and care about, apart from Lauren and obviously Natalie. 

As for my real dad, nothing, he had to think about whether he wanted to be a father to me according to his last email to me, so I took away the need for him to think. The useless cunt. 

Liverpool Real Madrid tonight at anfield, huge game, we probably won't win, but a far cry from Europa league away games with hodgson at the helm, fuck me how did that fucking happen?!. 

Anyway, got hold of some pollen and I'm off to skin up,

Thought of the day:

Stop eating bread yer fat twat.

In a bit. 

41

It's early hours Wednesday morning. Natalie asleep. She has been hard at it with Uni work, 500 word essay due next week, stress, she's such a perfectionist lol, she'll be fine.

Saw Lauren earlier, drove up we went for a bevvie, she spilt my coffee all over her, bless her it hurt, took her home and all seems to be ok, she didn't want to go hospital, who does, but she wouldn't show me , which I guess is tad embarrassing but it's only me, I've seen worse. Anyway she ok. 

Work is getting better, then change is still ongoing, but compared to the last entry feel I've made progress. Don't get me wrong come Thursday when I'm back, I seem to have two to three odd hours of utter misery and feeling sorry for myself at the thought of working, but then, before you know it yer home, it's done, and only two days til I'm off again, come Saturday's then it's all gravy as I'm off tomorrow, and Monday is kind of our Friday so makes it easier too. The team are bonding well it seems, although I guess soon enough the claws will come out, I'm sure I've annoyed them in some manner, but Yeh we've taken a few calls, we've had what, 14 hrs on the phones in all, still nerve racking being in such limbo, but the mentors have been very helpful and they've all been there. The banters friendly, the place is starting to feel a bit more like home, going for tea, coffee, a fag, some food, vending machines etc, it's all imprinted now so that's positive progress. 

Waiting to see if I'm being paid today, they say I am but like to know lol.. Really need some money.

Lauren got a bit weird with me earlier, discussing the apparent need to have one lesson a week to which she said she was gonna ask about a two hour lesson Next week but no money, I say, what about the CSA money, it's all gone already ? Yeh, she said, all on Blackpool plus it was paid beginning of sept and mam said because you changed jobs, she asked the csa apparently, that payment won't be til end of October...... So I'm gonna ring them and tell them to stop feeding her information.... 

I say well I'm sure it was end of September, dos I remember saying to Lauren when Discussing it before that it Deffo went from my pay, and she said Yeh eventually she got it... So she's pulling a fast one there, I may be wrong but I'm sure I'm not, but anyway, not the point, she has to realise she can't have it all on a plate, she has to be patient, wait like most people, at this time of her life she needs to make habits of saving, waiting for reward and paying her way, for her own good. I fear her mother doesn't agree. She still pays Lauren's mobile Bill , which is close to unacceptable really... I MEAN 150. From me, 40 a month from college, that's more than enought for a 17 year old who doesn't work or pay any bills... Thank you very much. Deal with it I say... Not in a Nasty way you understand. 

Fuck, this is long eh... A record perhaps, bit of a rant, lol, anyway back to it. 

Oh, new pain has introduced itself lately, a sharp intense build up of pain in abdominal area, very off putting and it fookin hurts.

Though of the day:

Be yourself. 

In a bit. X

40

It's 2 am, I'm razzed, tramadols for back pain, suffered when cleaning , what a loser... Lol..

Bored on days off, can't go far cos of legs but on top of that nowhere to fookin go on a Tuesday or Wednesday, everyone is working, but it is what it is. 

Mrs having sleep trouble again, looks so drained the poor thing. 

House is a mess as well, just clothes everywhere but nowhere to put them and the rest of the shit. 

Mrs keeps getting at me about smoking the old gear. She has a strong argument, but I get the feeling she doesn't consider how difficult I would find trying to stop, especially as I've no desire to do so, I enjoy it, it chills me out, helps me cope with life. I fear I'm not strong enough to let it go. 

I am absolutely razzed here but it's a nice relaxed buzz, nothing drastic, and the pain has certainly subsided. 

Week 2 of BG, it's still easy money, classroom most of the day, having a laugh along the way, and the best thing is the training group is my team so we will grow together, and everyone seems nice which always makes it easier. I'm not sure about our TM, she seems a bit serious, po faced, but that's exactly like me so im not sure what that means lol. 

But yeh, last week I really struggled with adjusting, but now when I go in I feel much more at home, the little things like going to get a tea or for a fag, feeling comfortable and like you belong there is important. My shifts are good and bad, but they are steady, meaning they don't change week by week. Shorter hours than Conduit, Monday Thursday Friday Saturday 8 - 6, 2 15 mins breaks either side of a 45 min lunch, which is just right, cos half hour is never quite enough and an hour is too long.

The calls are varied, which I think will be really good, I managed nearly 2 yrs of booking appointments. Call after call, Sunday's, birthdays, bank holidays, lates, earlies, shite hours but stuck to it, so this is gonna be a piece of piss, and the fact the calls are varied means, hopefully, the days will go a little bit quicker. I also enjoy the fact I never work more than 3 days in a row, and that every Monday I can go to work knowing it's the equivalent of my Friday. 

Having a job used to scare the living shit out of me, the commitment it requires, the discipline to go, the soul selling, but the positives far outweigh the negatives and when things are tough and not all that enjoyable, you have to grab those positives with both hands and focus. If I can adjust to do it then anyone can, I consider myself weak minded at the best of times, but lately, last couple of years I've come to see that perhaps I'm stronger than I thought. 

Anyway, enough of that bullshit, haha, been watching a lot of shameless, completed it and now I'm back onto series 6... God we have over 300 to channels to watch but it's all shit, too much choice infact, which also gives licence to making programmes such as towie and x factory... 

Lauren has decided she wants to go to Swansea uni preferably, and I'm so proud of her decision making process, she's spot on with it, very mature, she has such a good head on her shoulders, but I feel is susceptible to making bad choices, but only in fear do I think that. She places a lot of weight on fitting in and pressure to perform and look in a way that doesn't matter in the scheme of things... I mean she has very expensive taste and for someone who, according to her, is given over £200 a month, with no rent or bills to pay at all, she seems to always need money. Even her mobile Bill is being paid for by her mother, I wouldn't fucking stand for that nonsense tbh.... She has to learn habits of responsibility now, I mean she will eventually of course, but I worry it will be a whole lot harder for her because she is so modicuddled by her family. It makes me sad to witness the effect it clearly has on her perceptions and attitudes towards what matters. 

It's hard to fathom I'm a dad sometimes, I mean on a day to day basis I'm not a parent, I mean I am by nature but I don't get to see her, or deal with everyday issues or subjects, so I find it incredibly hard to feel like a parent, I feel bad for that naturally, but it's a circumstantial situation. 

My biggest and most apparent fear is that Lauren will reject me as a father, I wasn't there when she came into this world and I'm not with her as much I want to be. I'd die for that girl in an instant, I just want her to need me. She's the most important person that ever lived right now.

Another fucking late one then meaning I'm getting up late meaning I'll miss half the day asleep, although when yer asleep you are as good as dead, meaning nothing matters which can be bliss, this time tomorrow I'll be fretting about going to work for 3 days in a row, and then I'll get over it and get on with it, so why bother fretting in the first place??? It's ridiculous. I think I'm just biologically allergic to work. Lol. Bellend.

Thought of the day : 

Keep calm and carry on 

In a bit

X

39

Knackered. Always knackered. Too fucked to do anything when I can to fucked to do anything when I have to. 

Just tired. 

Legs, head, stomach. Scans, tablets, drowsiness. Constant cycles. 

Work. Home. Sleep. Work. Home. Sleep. 

At the same time, how lucky and privileged I am. 

I have all I'll ever need. Always something to lose. Precarious. 

Thought of the day: 

Go to bed. 

In a bit. 

Stay positive. 

you are very lucky. You have somebody who loves you. You have a decent existence. You are having a go. You are doing what's right. You are contributing. You are doing this to hopefully make you feel more positive about going to work. It scares you. You hate it. It's good for you. Great for you. And you are setting an example for Lauren. Natalie carried you for years. You owe her to try your very best and never give up. Be happy. Smile. Love. Live. 

38

Late again, but it's ok, had a bit of an epiphany today, a much needed one.

I say epiphany, more like reaffirmation of the belief that, whatever happens, change is ultimately good, not at first, it's proper shite tbh, really hard, lost, limbo. Alone, I've done this before but with more pressure to perform, I said it was my last chance to impress, to progress, and I'm now with a company that is renowned for looking after its own. A significant jump from the last role, so that's an achievement to be proud of and more importantly, to embrace with both fucking hands, hold it tight, don't let it go, squeeze the living shit out of it, love it and hate with the same ferocity, just do what's right.

37

So, Natalie told me today that she's very disappointed by the wedding, the pictures and generally the whole day, which makes me sad, she deserves the best and I can't help but feel I've failed her in some way, should I have got more involved? Was there anything that I perhaps could have done? 

We both agreed it wasn't as we really wanted it but I didn't know she felt this bad about it, and I'm sorry for her. She's really down right now, so I need to perk her up a bit. 

I can't help but wonder if she is now having doubts about the whole marriage thing and being with me, she says she loves me and her disappointment is not linked to her feelings, but it worries me that she felt the need to say that.... Am I being paranoid??? I hope fucking so!!! 

Thought of the day:

Take nothing for granted.

In a bit. 

36

I'm fucked. Been a right bellend to the Mrs today, I'm such an ungrateful fucker sometimes.

I'm stoned, taken tramadols and stoned, ( evidently by that statement ) haha what a dickhead hahahaha....

Yeh, having peaks and troughs , ups and downs with my perspective and feeling about the future, just work wise mainly I guess, I am really glad I seem to have found a company that cares, and is professional but I don't wanna be doing this for the next forty years.... But...... I had a shot of team leader before and it took me just over a year to get there so just keep my head down and you never know.... 

Yep, I'm fucked, Nats fucked, poor bugger struggling with sleep lately, time for bed. 

Thought of the day:

STOP BEING A CUNT

In a bit x

35

Late one again. 

Went to new starters intro at BG, met some of the guys I'll be training with, a couple from conduit, ha, hrs are shit tho, well I say shit, get three days off a week, but work every Saturday , pffftt... 

Gonna get me feet under the table and get onto changing that Asaph... But yeh always hate those introduction scenarios but glad I went, back at 8 Monday morning. 

Looking forward to working for a professional outfit.

Thought of the day:

New beginning.

In a bit. 

34

I'm fucked. Stoned. Tramadols. In pain but numb. It's 4:15 am. Natalie only been asleep an hour or so. Why does she have to suffer from this?? She's such a sufferer. Always has been. It's just confirmation that life is just not fair. Good hard working people like the Mrs, have it the fucking hardest.

It's because nature knows they can deal with it, because they are strong enough. 

Thought of the day: 

Support the supporter. 

In a bit 

33

Just gone midnight it's Tuesday now, had a weird day, woke up feeling sick for good couple hours, Natalie having rough time with her ear, shit scared, not knowing what to do, life fucking sucks at times. 

Sort of in limbo, not knowing what to do, should just go bed, but can't be arsed with that, wanna just sit here, reflecting. Dunno why I do that. 

What does it achieve to reflect? I mean Yeh lessons to be learned, knowledge and wisdom to be formed but it never quite fulfills its desire. Reflecting. 

Anyway gotta ring work tomorrow to sort out first day shite , got me hours already for first week, mon, Thursday, Friday and Saturday I'm in, 8 til 6 I think, at least the first day anyway. 

So 1 day in and then two off straight away, may feel a bit disjointed a bit for a while then but so be it, it's what I need. Looking forward to it actually, to see how a proper company does it. 

Worried about my health in terms of work and whether it will get in the way at all.

 Fucking hope not.

I've written them a note to explain the issues I have. 

Anyway, still bored. Joint then bed most probs. 

Thought of the day: 

Hate Limbo.

In a bit

X

32

Saturday night. Natalie in bed, had an episode of an attack earlier today, not full on like and fair play she battled through it, but it's back and I'm so scared for her. 

She doesn't deserve this.

Finished at Cuntuit Global. No fuss. No goodbyes to the horrible fuckers.

Made a couple of decent friends hopefully. 

Onwards. 

Just gonna chill and then look forward to BG. Gonna be a learning curve.

Been watching re runs of Shameless from the top. Fucking great show.

Not much else to report.

Oh, saw an online article about a 56 year old geezer who had lost his leg to gangrene, and after having a stroke lost use of left arm, and had been rejected by RCT for payments  towards a carer..... 

The man, when I knew him was a horrible vicious cunt at times, always on edge around him, never forget that feeling, he rented me a room for a short while, when I really needed one but it has to be said he only did that because at the time it suited him, he fucking hated me and rightly so. Anyway, he was a mates old fella, but it's surreal to see someone who intimidated me so much look so vulnerable. Wouldn't wish that on any fucker. As much of a cunt as they may have been.

Thought of the day:

Be nice to people. 

In a bit. X

31

It's 13th September. 

What a come down. Huge come down. 

Since my last post I've experienced the greatest two weeks of my life. Nothing will quite top it.

This last week I have retuned to work. It's been grim. For both of us.

But those two weeks will never be matched. A beautiful wedding an amazing honeymoon. 

A sense of sadness hangs over me because it's over, but hopefully that will subside as life kicks back in for us.

Words really can't do it justice, the memories are stored and I guess to be reflected upon, so i not gonna go into it here because some things are sacred. 

I love my wife. 

Thought of the day:

Lucky bastard.

In a bit.

30

This is my 30th entry and the last as a single man.
I say single, I'm clearly not single, but that's what you say in it..!?

So, wedding tomorrow. Getting hitched. Married. This is what its like then..... dead excited for it and still not nervous one little bit, that will change soon no doubt, couple of bevvies later and off we go.

Was thinking on train home that this is probably one of the biggest, or should I say, most relevant events that will happen in my life, actually marrying somebody, becoming their husband. Its pretty huge and it's what I , in my one and only shot at life, have been lucky to be involved in, to be loved. Its quite profound to me in that sense. Powerful.

Anyway, Natalie having funny shit going on in the ears again, so fucking scared its coming back and if so what next? Trying not to let her focus too much on it but being tactful and sensitive to her plight is tricky going down that road, its not that I'm not of course but Im not sure pondering on it helps her....

Teeth gonna be polished tomorrow, had a right fiasco with that the other day, a wasted journey, but it's paid for and booked so has to be done. Parking will be a cunt.
Pick chair covers up also, then pick up my old man. Few bevvies bit of a smoke and job done.

Thought of the day:
Do her proud.

In a bit.

29

6 days. Six days. Six. Days.
How quick is this going eh.... I kind of don't want it to come because I'm enjoying this excited feeling. haha.
Nat is asleep, she's been feeling weird ear wise, which isn't good but fingers crossed shell be ok.
Been suffering pain wise so on the trams again.
Not feeling myself really, dunno, something's not right.
Yeh teeth whiteners told me to do one, that my teeth are too fucked, so they wanted to do x rays at 10 quid a pop, 4 of them and recommended some other treatment to remove stains, more expensive than original deal, couldn't make a choice then and there, so said I'd leave it. Booked scale and polish with my dentist. 42 bucks. Should be enough.

Gonna go bed. Am fucked.

Thought of the day:
Doing nothing is mentally productive.

In a bit.

Kos Stuff

http://www.holidayvillagekos.com/The-Island-Of-Kos

28

So, 10 days to go then..... so excited, like a boy on Xmas eve... booked honeymoon to Kos, can't remember if I mentioned that already, I'll check.... no it was day before my last 'entry' ..

Yeh so Kos, all in/sea view room/from Bristol 7 nights. 1500. Not bad that... ok it's not cheap we know that but its paid for from gifts of money for wedding, and we have used it well there. Can't wait but nervous about flying. Tramadols most probs.

Laying well off them right now although I say that I've had two today for my legs, been having a few twinges as well, similar sensations when I pee and dull aches in the flanks, all prior symptoms to what kicked all this cancer men 1 nonsense off back when the Olympics was in LAndan. Keep an eye on that.

Natalie having issues with her ear, tinnitus and fullness and one moment of in balance. I'd take Cancer back over her going through that again. In an instant. We'll get through it tho, IF it does return. Touch Wood.

Lauren doing her lessons, onto three point turns next, piece off piss them I said, shell be fine.

Day off tomorrow, its getting closer to the day I'll be leaving, gonna be quite upset tbh, may get emotional, but a new start is a good start and its such a positive move.
Made a couple of genuine mates I'd like to think.
That's all you can ask init.... Good friends are hard to find.

Natalie's gifts are sorted. Can't wait for her to see them.

Having me teeth whitened later today, its 2am BTW, Yeh I do hope it works, we shall see.

Watching Family Guy. Lois Killed Stewie.
Robin Williams is dead. A sad day. A lifetime of laughter.

Thought of the day:
Skin up.

In a bit.

27

16 days to go. That's mad that.
Passport came yesterday, so chuffed. Means we can now book honeymoon, gonna be fun, that whole process.
All dresses acquired from shop, finally, after so many setbacks, they are safe and sound.
Natalie pleased.

Had the worst pain ever this morning, apparently I woke up screaming in pain twice but I remember it as once, anyway, migraine from hell, sharp, stabbing pains in the head, felt sick but fell asleep thankfully, off work again tho, more money down the drain....

So, Chillin now and nat has he make up appt tomorrow at 11am so I will drop her off to train station and then leave here about midday to meet in town... book honeymoon. Yey.

Thought of the day:
Listen to my body.

In a bit. x

26

Been a while.
Wedding 19 days away, mental. Benson let me down. Hurts that. But we are all allowed to he dickheads from time to time I guess.
Lauren ok. Doing driving lessons. Works alright. Off today, just so tired cant face it.
Another MRI in October. Great.

Applied for Blue Badge today and looks likely passport will arrive soonish. Fingers crossed.

Sorted things with Emily.

Missing Natalie lots right now.

Watching a documentary on the London underground. Fascinating.

Thought of the day:
CBA.

In a bit.
x

25

Just from work.
Joe was sheepish around me as Emily was sat next to him , what he told me yesterday obviously hasn't bothered him that much. Anywayz hope he's ok.

Saw Dr Rees, very likely have my thyroid glands removed. Not sure how soon. Reckons I'd have loads of tiny tumours in pancreas and a couple in glands.
Aching is related and hopefully cease post op.
Always on painkillers at moment. Itchy also, another symptom.
Still getting angry, need to stop that.

Absolutely shattered. May have a kip.
Lauren over today gonna tell her about MEN 1.

Nat working.

Thought of the day:
Be careful who you trust.

In a bit.

24

Shit day.
Back to work, in pain most of the time.
Pissed off with Emily from work, and a little bit with Joe. Emily has thrown a strop so let her get on with it.

Am absolutely fucked right now, had about 6/7 tramadols, a few biftas, and it's ten to one am.

Pretty fed up really.

Thought of the day: Friends are important.

In a bit.

23

That's it, another World Cup over. Germany won.
I'll be 39 when the next one comes round, I wonder how my life will compare then. ? !

Natalie had an amazing hen do, back today in bed asleep, we both off tomorrow, nice.

Lauren has kind of offered some sort of truce, it could have been better but its something I guess.
Very glad its kind of sorted though.

Joe and Emily been splitting up, having a breakz getting along, been a nightmare being in the middle of all that. Nightmare. But I'd like to help, offer some advice if needed.

Had a tado with Mum, spare you the details, but I told her she was wrong and fair play she apologised.

Pain 5/10 a

Thought of the day:
Say it how it is.

In a bit.

22

Its 2.18am. Early hrs of a Saturday morning.
Natalie in Liverpool on hen.
Me alone listening to podcast.
Glad they arrived safely and sounds like they had a cracking night. Very drunk. Haha.
So glad for her. To see her happy.

Lauren kicked off about Sophie going and why she isn't, its because a Natalie wanted to be care free for the weekend, she would have just worried about Lauren, and felt she couldn't be totally herself as to set an example. Lauren took offence I think, but Sophie going is Sues decision not Natalie.
Anyway, she needs to admit when she's wrong. Horrible trait to have, and we've all don't it I guess , but when yer wrong yer wrong, no shame it admitting it. Anyway whatever happens i love her to bits.

Legs and stomach hurting so im a tad high at the moment. My dads convinced I'm either all ready am addicted to tramadols or I deffo will be if I keep using them. Haha.

Anyway time to sleep.
In a bit.

21

Wednesday.
Sat in garden with cat.
Off again today woke up with worst headache / migraine I've had.
Sick.
Pain killers.
Back to bed.
Taken more since and its not bad, feel hung over almost.
Anyway squared things up with Lauren. Understood her view and pleased its cleared up.

Natalie off from today for a week, hen do in Liverpool Friday to Sunday.
Really hope she has lots of fun and let's go.
One last blow out.

Thought of the day:
I have Love. I have everything.

In a bit.

20

Stoned. Tramadols. Pulled a Sicky. Couldn't walk, so much pain.
In bedroom, dark and cool Natalie in bed on headbook.

Lauren back tomorrow.

In a bit.

19

Monday.

Work flew by. Which is always great. Natalie back today too. Fair play things are looking ok at the moment but long way to go. Seeing her eat what she likes has been humbling and amazing too witness. So pleased for her but we live in a quiet and unspoken fear that the attacks will return. Still, we try to get on with it and shes been brilliant.

Stag do Friday, went karting, was amazingly good fun, the aftermath was shite for the guests I think but it was alright for me, no silliness, no being a bellend about it, civilised really, home by 1.30am.

Lauren off to Magaluf tomorrow. I'm not pleased and I'm very worried tbh, I know deep down she has the sense but we've all been led and we've all lead, so, hope all is ok and she returns without child. Lol.

Chilling out back, in the sun.

In a bit.

18

Sat in garden.  Lush couple of days weather wise,  Natalie not been well post op. Feeling really sick all the time,  taking its toll,  she seems to be getting better today,  but,  one day at a time eh. 
Work was slow today but not too bad,  good to have some laughs again with the new lads.  Yeh,  twas OK. 

Nothing much to report.  Lauren away to effing Magaluf on 1st July,  what can I do? I have no say at all.  Worried tbh. 

Anyway,  cats annoying me.
in a bit.

17

GET. THE. FUCK. IN.
Natalie had the operation.  Such a landmark moment,  was impressed with how quickly and smoothly everything went.  The staff were a credit.
She's in pain now,  asleep actually,  but on very strong painkillers all the time bless her.
Just gonna try and make it as easy as possible for her. 
God knows she's done the same for me many times,  I owe her. Haha. 
Just so happy for her that she has had it done,  she's already eaten tuna mayo sandwiches and her attitude has been amazing. 
You forget the rest of the world in times like this,  you enter a bubble of just me and you, which is what makes the prospect of spending the rest of my days by her side so amazing,  I cannot wait to tie the knot.
Natalie stirring now so let's make sure she's OK. 

In a bit. 
X

16

Been a while.
Feet ache.  Tired.  Generally pissed off.  No reason.  Birthday yesterday.  35. Shit. 

Church this morning.  Awkward not the word. 

Lauren being a teenager, the usual stuff, nothing to be overly worried about but she's off to Magaluf 1st July,  she's 16, it's not right but I have no say in these things for some reason. 

Anyway,  watching golf, chilling,  I'm a lucky bastard. 

In a bit. 

15

Still off back tomorrow. Was gonna be back today but things went tits this morning.
Just had a kip with Natalie Both tired.
Feet and knees proper sore today and shoulders.
Sitting out back bathing in the sun. Lovely.

In a bit.

14

So, more time off sick. Had a right Barney with Nat the other morning, she gave me a whack in train station, I don't help when I'm a moody cunt and Natalie gets the brunt of it. I need to overcome all that and he more positive. Time to move on from all this cancer shite. My prognosis is good. Let's enjoy.
You start to feel isolated when you have time off work, like all eyes are on you because of that unspoken yet very apparent disapproval of being Ill. Not right really. Yes people take the piss, in past jobs I've done it, but this time its for real.
More tests, but we move forward. Got some tramadol for pain. It helps tbh psychologically also.

Sorted stag with adam and Rich, really good of them to get me out to chat about it. Top fellas.
Not sure how to take that Lee fella Bensons mates with, but, I don't know him so you can't judge. Probs a very nice bloke.

Anyway, nat in bed. Lauren called me earlier for a chat, which Is so sweet, she's good like that better than me in fact, need to sort that, and then she was stressed about something and asked for my advice, a brief chat and a few texts and all is ok, love that, absolutely cherish those moments with her.

So, found out today 3 guys from work leaving soon, before me, pleased for them as its better pay and hrs, shame I couldn't join transport issues, but I've got a great opportunity with BG.

Watching 2 and a half men. love this show. Nat hates it. Such is life.

In a bit.

13

Unlucky for some.

Its Saturday afternoon, I have the doors covered to hide the light, looks like a doss house.
Am stoned and tramdoled right nice. Feeling so good and mellow.

Am trying to focus on the positives in life. Every little detail. The fact I have a cup.of tea, a hot water bottle for my feet, a dressing gown, a TV, an endless choice of irrelevant channels, the internet, a warm cosy environment, the background noise of a tumble dryer, the next door neighbours at it with each other fighting, the fact that in a few hrs my future wife will be home.
Yes I have work Monday, but many do not, and not through choice, some through choice but never the less I'm very lucky to be a part of a semi stable society. Paying my way , integrity, respect.

No footie on, so bored. Its imperative we find ourselves bored. We wouldn't have as half of anything without boredom setting in 1st.

Anyway enough of that shit.
In a bit.

12

Half 1 am. Stoned, tramadoled, paracetemoled, and No pain. Good.
Natalie asleep, felt funny earlier, managed to help her get off.
Hope she's ok tomorrow.

Work was floopy today, felt light headed all day.

Must go bed soon.

In a bit.

11

Been off sick last 3 days. Mental pain in legs and feet, went to docs for tramadols, perhaps took too many yesterday and was sick couple times this am as soon as I woke up.
Natalie gone to her Grampy funeral, they didn't have a relationship, but sad never the less and I hope she is ok.
These tramadols make me very horny for some reason, did Natalie's head in yesterday with that LOL.

Anyway, currently listening to purple rain on my tablet, chilling, trying to get better, got heaviness in my balls again :-( .... I do wonder if this last 2 yrs are the beginning of the end for me.....

In the meantime, wedding hotel sorted and car, Natalie will love all that, I hope.

Lauren on half term, no doubt skulking about somewhere LOL, teenagers eh!! Haha.

In a bit.

10

So, nothing much to report, which isn't always a bad thing. Did garden yesterday, starting to take shape, Fucking shit loads to be done but much better.
Natalie possibly having an attack, She's in bed already.
Lauren over tomorrow. Be nice. Then going to fit bridesmaids dresses Saturday. Touch wood.

Work tomorrow.
British Gas agreed to move start date to September, very good of them. Clean break then after wedding.

In a bit.

9

Its Tuesday.
Natalie dealing with everything amazingly. So proud. So strong. No fucker can stop her.
Garden been done. Looks massive. Been out there today still lots to do. General tidying really.
Lauren has exam today and Thursday. Hope they go well for her. If she tries She's already succeeded.

Shits are back. Missed couple of tablets and this is what happens. Doesn't bode well.
They assumed, and probably rightly so, I dunno, that the cysts were the cause. I'm not so sure at all.

Anyway,
In a bit.

8

So...
It was cancelled. Words can't express.
She's gutted. I feel helpless. I love her.

Anyway, we have to move forward, and we will, but next few days is all about her.

In a bit. x

7

The Mrs has her Op tomorrow. I pray to the gods I don't believe in all goes well. And I hope to hell it goes ahead after they tried to canx it last week.
I don't wanna get my hopes up for her but this would be so amazing if it works. Shed be able to eat whatever and be rid of those horrible attacks. I mean, fuck knows what she'll be like if this doesn't work.
Anyway, let's be positive. Its Menieres btw.
I forget when writing that somebody may actually read this one day.
Its all nonsense. As is everything.

In a bit.

6

Another day. Still watching Breaking Bad. Series 3 now. Episode 5.
Mrs possibly having another attack. Makes me so fucking angry. Its hard to keep that from her when she has symptoms.
Life seems horrible at the moment. Its not. It could be worse. But I feel like im just floating along. Without purpose and meaning. Its weird. Spoke to Lauren today, she finding exams tough, naturally, so proud of her tho.
For me, all you need is respect and desire to be as good as you can, anything else is a bonus. So She's doing fantastic by me.

Anyhoo, nothing else to report.

In a bit.

5

Strange couple days. Nat had another attack. Washed out now. Bless her.
Went down a mates gaff for a quick smoke. In the bay. Twas nice.

Watching Breaking Bad, in series 2. It's good.
In a bit

4

Shit day.
Was a tad horrible to the Mrs earlier. I don't know why. Moody cunt sometimes. She's having a tough time right now. Need to be more supportive.
LFC came second. Superb. Onwards.
Off work for 7 days now. Going in tomorrow to tell boss I'm leaving late June. Hope it goes ok.
Will probs meet Mullarkey for a bifta.

In a bit.

3

11th May -

Found out yesterday that I got a job i had applied for. Working for a reputable company as opposed to the joke of an organisation I've been at the last 18 months. A new start. The kind of scared feeling of meeting new people starting again, but made some decent friends via work so always positives that can live for a long time.

Onwards.

2

4 years later, my 2nd entry.

Did the degree, got a 2.1. Did Something positive. Fell ill from Dec 11, which after numerous visits to GP's and investigations based around Urinal issues, I found myself admitted to Hospital late Aug 2012. 10 day stay, discovered severe ulceration of the small intestine, further testing down the line and December 13, two years later diagnosed with a Neuro Endocrine Tumour on the pancreas, Cancer, but slow growing.
Cancer.

6 hr Operation in Feb 14, two months off work, and it has been removed. Good (although it broke up at the time, so further testing needed). Regular check ups as it stands, still hard to get head round.

My Daughter is 17 this year, Madness that, always feel like I'm a let down, which I guess is true to a degree, I'm not the most paternal person. I try hard, but you shouldn't have to try, should you? Anyway, so proud of her.

Getting Married August, 23rd. All booked and almost paid for, cannot wait for this day, be amazing. I love my future wife. Always.

Guess I have found things really hard last few months, the surgery, the uncertainty, the thought of it returning, which cannot be discounted, the Mrs' health issues also. Menieres Disease, due for operation in 8 days and hopefully she will be rid of her ills. Horrible condition. It makes me angry. I don't know why. Maybe because I am utterly useless to help her. Vertigo attacks are extremely tiring for her physically and mentally, so brave. And heres me getting annoyed at them. Idiot.

Work is shite. Call centre workers are modern day factory staff. Last to know first to be blamed. Absolute hypocrisy runs throughout that organisation. Moving goal posts to suit.
I say this and yet I've applied for a very similar job elsewhere. The difference is the organisation though. They presented themselves as valuing their staff, that they actually appreciate the welfare of each person. I just hope it comes through, should find out today.

Anyway, Liverpool are 2nd in the league with one game to go, could win it, probably won't tho.

What did I learn since the last time I wrote?

I have a drug problem.

In a bit.