13

Unlucky for some.

Its Saturday afternoon, I have the doors covered to hide the light, looks like a doss house.
Am stoned and tramdoled right nice. Feeling so good and mellow.

Am trying to focus on the positives in life. Every little detail. The fact I have a cup.of tea, a hot water bottle for my feet, a dressing gown, a TV, an endless choice of irrelevant channels, the internet, a warm cosy environment, the background noise of a tumble dryer, the next door neighbours at it with each other fighting, the fact that in a few hrs my future wife will be home.
Yes I have work Monday, but many do not, and not through choice, some through choice but never the less I'm very lucky to be a part of a semi stable society. Paying my way , integrity, respect.

No footie on, so bored. Its imperative we find ourselves bored. We wouldn't have as half of anything without boredom setting in 1st.

Anyway enough of that shit.
In a bit.

12

Half 1 am. Stoned, tramadoled, paracetemoled, and No pain. Good.
Natalie asleep, felt funny earlier, managed to help her get off.
Hope she's ok tomorrow.

Work was floopy today, felt light headed all day.

Must go bed soon.

In a bit.

11

Been off sick last 3 days. Mental pain in legs and feet, went to docs for tramadols, perhaps took too many yesterday and was sick couple times this am as soon as I woke up.
Natalie gone to her Grampy funeral, they didn't have a relationship, but sad never the less and I hope she is ok.
These tramadols make me very horny for some reason, did Natalie's head in yesterday with that LOL.

Anyway, currently listening to purple rain on my tablet, chilling, trying to get better, got heaviness in my balls again :-( .... I do wonder if this last 2 yrs are the beginning of the end for me.....

In the meantime, wedding hotel sorted and car, Natalie will love all that, I hope.

Lauren on half term, no doubt skulking about somewhere LOL, teenagers eh!! Haha.

In a bit.

10

So, nothing much to report, which isn't always a bad thing. Did garden yesterday, starting to take shape, Fucking shit loads to be done but much better.
Natalie possibly having an attack, She's in bed already.
Lauren over tomorrow. Be nice. Then going to fit bridesmaids dresses Saturday. Touch wood.

Work tomorrow.
British Gas agreed to move start date to September, very good of them. Clean break then after wedding.

In a bit.

9

Its Tuesday.
Natalie dealing with everything amazingly. So proud. So strong. No fucker can stop her.
Garden been done. Looks massive. Been out there today still lots to do. General tidying really.
Lauren has exam today and Thursday. Hope they go well for her. If she tries She's already succeeded.

Shits are back. Missed couple of tablets and this is what happens. Doesn't bode well.
They assumed, and probably rightly so, I dunno, that the cysts were the cause. I'm not so sure at all.

Anyway,
In a bit.

8

So...
It was cancelled. Words can't express.
She's gutted. I feel helpless. I love her.

Anyway, we have to move forward, and we will, but next few days is all about her.

In a bit. x

7

The Mrs has her Op tomorrow. I pray to the gods I don't believe in all goes well. And I hope to hell it goes ahead after they tried to canx it last week.
I don't wanna get my hopes up for her but this would be so amazing if it works. Shed be able to eat whatever and be rid of those horrible attacks. I mean, fuck knows what she'll be like if this doesn't work.
Anyway, let's be positive. Its Menieres btw.
I forget when writing that somebody may actually read this one day.
Its all nonsense. As is everything.

In a bit.

6

Another day. Still watching Breaking Bad. Series 3 now. Episode 5.
Mrs possibly having another attack. Makes me so fucking angry. Its hard to keep that from her when she has symptoms.
Life seems horrible at the moment. Its not. It could be worse. But I feel like im just floating along. Without purpose and meaning. Its weird. Spoke to Lauren today, she finding exams tough, naturally, so proud of her tho.
For me, all you need is respect and desire to be as good as you can, anything else is a bonus. So She's doing fantastic by me.

Anyhoo, nothing else to report.

In a bit.

5

Strange couple days. Nat had another attack. Washed out now. Bless her.
Went down a mates gaff for a quick smoke. In the bay. Twas nice.

Watching Breaking Bad, in series 2. It's good.
In a bit

4

Shit day.
Was a tad horrible to the Mrs earlier. I don't know why. Moody cunt sometimes. She's having a tough time right now. Need to be more supportive.
LFC came second. Superb. Onwards.
Off work for 7 days now. Going in tomorrow to tell boss I'm leaving late June. Hope it goes ok.
Will probs meet Mullarkey for a bifta.

In a bit.

3

11th May -

Found out yesterday that I got a job i had applied for. Working for a reputable company as opposed to the joke of an organisation I've been at the last 18 months. A new start. The kind of scared feeling of meeting new people starting again, but made some decent friends via work so always positives that can live for a long time.

Onwards.

2

4 years later, my 2nd entry.

Did the degree, got a 2.1. Did Something positive. Fell ill from Dec 11, which after numerous visits to GP's and investigations based around Urinal issues, I found myself admitted to Hospital late Aug 2012. 10 day stay, discovered severe ulceration of the small intestine, further testing down the line and December 13, two years later diagnosed with a Neuro Endocrine Tumour on the pancreas, Cancer, but slow growing.
Cancer.

6 hr Operation in Feb 14, two months off work, and it has been removed. Good (although it broke up at the time, so further testing needed). Regular check ups as it stands, still hard to get head round.

My Daughter is 17 this year, Madness that, always feel like I'm a let down, which I guess is true to a degree, I'm not the most paternal person. I try hard, but you shouldn't have to try, should you? Anyway, so proud of her.

Getting Married August, 23rd. All booked and almost paid for, cannot wait for this day, be amazing. I love my future wife. Always.

Guess I have found things really hard last few months, the surgery, the uncertainty, the thought of it returning, which cannot be discounted, the Mrs' health issues also. Menieres Disease, due for operation in 8 days and hopefully she will be rid of her ills. Horrible condition. It makes me angry. I don't know why. Maybe because I am utterly useless to help her. Vertigo attacks are extremely tiring for her physically and mentally, so brave. And heres me getting annoyed at them. Idiot.

Work is shite. Call centre workers are modern day factory staff. Last to know first to be blamed. Absolute hypocrisy runs throughout that organisation. Moving goal posts to suit.
I say this and yet I've applied for a very similar job elsewhere. The difference is the organisation though. They presented themselves as valuing their staff, that they actually appreciate the welfare of each person. I just hope it comes through, should find out today.

Anyway, Liverpool are 2nd in the league with one game to go, could win it, probably won't tho.

What did I learn since the last time I wrote?

I have a drug problem.

In a bit.