1

Carys Natalie Waters 

24/9/15 

7:22pm 

7lb 3.5 oz 

3 months today. 

Profound overwhelming love doesn't cover how I feel for her and my wife 

 

66

23rd September 2015. 

It's 1.46am. Natalie is asleep. 

The house is ready. All done. We go tomorrow to hospital. 

Am shitting myself. 

Feels like a huge mountain we have to climb now. The easy bits done. And that's been hard work. 

God knows what it'll be like. 

To have another human being in our lives. Seems very surreal. 

Even though we haven't officially met yet she already means everything. 

I have this reoccurring fear of coming home without them or without one of them. 

But all going well we will have a baby girl home safe and sound. And by the next time I write on here, wow, a little girl has been born. :-) :-) :-) 

Natalie obviously shitting herself too, can't imagine what she's feeling. 

Let's just hope all goes okay and that mum and baby girl are safe and sound. I need them to breathe. 

I love you both with all my being and more profoundly than all thought imaginable. 

In a bit x

65

Its September 15th and its cold. 

We are being induced 23rd a week today. 
Bricking it, bricking it for the Mrs, really really hope shes gonna be ok and that all goes ok, and that nothing bad happens. Theres nothing like the prospect of labour for your wife that makes you realise how much she means to you. Worship that woman. 
Im super excited half the time and full of dread the other, its a mind fuck, constantly trying to tell myself all will be okay, and that it will become normality. 
I think thats it, these last few months havent been 'normal', because weve become custom to a particular lifestyle, practically do what we wanted and when, and yet since February all has changed. Its tough. And thats without the nonsense the wife has had to deal with on top. 
Menieres, Obsetric Coestasis, Hyperemesis... the list goes on. 

We have the house close to being ready for ickle bubs. Bedroom sorted, laurens bed dismantled and taken downstairs, the walls painted, the whole room steam cleaned. Wardrobe up, just cot to assemble. 
Painted the hallway, painted our room, changed around, new bed, after the original bed we brought arrived but wouldnt fit up the stairs, so we had to order a new bed and wait a week, we slept downstairs on bed settee for 8 days, at one point we had 3 beds in our front room, which isnt the biggest haha :) Nightmare. But between me, the wife Sue and Kate and Paul, weve made huge progress. Car seat fitted, pram down sues, all ready really, just a few bits and bobs to sort but the 'major' things achieved. Well done Us. 

Lauren leaves for Uni Friday, very very proud of her, shes super excited got lots of plans and ideas buzzing around her head, shell be fine, she has a good head on her shoulders. 
Will pop to see her place once shes settled in. 

Work is shit. Hate that place and hate her. Shes a bully. That simple.
Im not going to feel bad for being unwell and for looking after my wife. Never. 
Needs must. 

Got a feeling Baby will arrive Friday.

In a bit. x

64

Still at it. 

Natalie huge now little one not far away. 

Cot bought. 

New settee and chair. 

Shed cleared.

Lauren offered a Maths degree placement at Swansea. 

Passed probation. 

Things still hard. Not well at all. 

But keeping at it. 

Onwards 

63

It's been a while, it's been trying, soul searching and exciting all rolled into one. Phew. We made it. 

It's a girl!!!! 😀 haha all is well with the little one, moving, kicking, all sorts, mummy getting there and so brave to. 

Lauren okay, as can be, working hard, having doubts about uni, but okay. 

Work is doing my head in. Still on probation. Tuffy being a twat. But making progress slowly. 

Just want to know. Anyway, holiday in two weeks. Tenby. Nice. Can't wait. 

Things are starting to feel a lot more normal now, we have our moments, but we are getting there. 

I've been a let down to be honest, I've not coped well with everything and I've let the Mrs down with all my self preoccupations. I am addressing the issues I have with therapy. £40 an hour therapy. Lol. 

So it better fucking work lol. 

But yeh I do feel I've made it harder than it needed to be for the wife. She's had to deal with all of this sickness, and on top of that me moaning about my job, being depressed, struggling with the whole concept, truth is I wouldn't of dealt with it without her there, whispering in my ear when I'm in work " don't let it get to you, it's your frame of mind clouding the issues " not physically mind, that would be weird, but yer know I hear her voice when I need her most. 

Just going to do my best to deal with my shit and be as strong as I can for her because right now I cannot wait to meet our little girl, I love her, she's real and she's on her way. ❤️❤️❤️

It's late 3 am on a Sunday morning right now, listening to heartbreaker ha, takes me back to sitting in my dads car and radio 2 on the radio, obviously, and long trips to seemingly car related places, or camping, but quite fond memories of childhood that only music can encapsulate. 

I'm so blessed. A millionaire. 7th October 2015. Can't fucking wait!!! 

In a bit. 

62

15 weeks tomorrow. Baby due 7th October 2015. 

It's been a roller coaster last few weeks, Natalie suffered terrible hyperemesis been bloody awful for her, in turn awful for both of us. Work has been hard. Really hard. Boss being a right cunt.

Been very low at moments, usually at 6.30 am haha, before going work. 

Has been the hardest few weeks for us, for different reasons, but we are still here, still going. 

Starting to get attached to ickle bubs now, ha, it is going to be amazing. Scary still, the change is the scary part. So much to learn so much to do. We'll get there. Together. 

Need the landlord to get back to us regarding boiler and radiator issue. Hate being in limbo. 

Onwards. 

Margate 1999

Listening to Its Better a People - oasis, takes me back to living briefly in my estranged home town of Margate. It was 1999, and the weather was amazing. My life, was a mess, through no fault but my own, I was a mess too. Think it was around May time, I'd previously stolen money from my own sister, to then be caught smoking dope at Ludlow street, where I was staying at the time, my parents threw me out. After weeks of temporary homelessness, squatting and renting, whilst keeping a job at transco, I eventually found myself, after help from my mum, secret from my dad, staying at a very cheap and cheerful B and B on Richmond road roath, there was always an ad for this place in the echo, "ROOMS AVAILABLE INC BREAKFAST £45 per week". I was very grateful for the help, and the warmth of shelter every night, and a meal first thing. I remember the room, it didn't have a tv, if I wanted tv down to the bar I went, surrounded by strangers, some workmen, some lorry drivers, nothing classy at all about this place. 

I worked at the time in Grangetown next to where ikea is now, at Transco. 

I got sacked. I couldn't afford to pay the hotel another weeks rent so I left. 

I couldn't go home. I decided, with my last pay, I would go and stay with my Dad. In the hope I'd sort my self out enough to come back and start again. Ha. What a naive bellend. I was desperate tho. So, I tried to contact the old man, no joy, spoke to mum, she agreed to try. 

I got to London Victoria off the coach, it was cheapest route, spoke to mum, nothing so sorted it to stay at janes for a bit. Nice one. 

Got on train, blagged the fare tho. Result. Walked to janes, I remembered it from all those years ago haha. 

Anyway, me dad couldn't put me up apparently, rules of his tenancy, but a sense of reluctance on his part when he said you can't just turn up like this and expect me drop everything. 

Of course, but this was an exception you selfish fuck. 

So, staying at janes was awkward, sharing bens room, taking away his independence was difficult for him. Quite right too. I had nothing to do in the days, I got bored, I used the Internet. For the wrong reasons lol, these were the days before broadband you see, dial up cost a few quid. 

It got to a point where I wasn't working, I got a job at a place called Kent Salads, God what a horrible time that was. It overwhelmed me. Was a complete stranger to everybody, starting a really shit job, I was wearing all the gear you wear around food factories, nets on Yer head and all sorts, it was too much. A future of making salad bowls in the middle of nowhere in my estranged hometown which may as well had been in the middle of nowhere, it was too much, I left within 3 hours citing stomach cramps or something ....... 

I spent my 20th in the local pub from janes gaff, with ben and his mate, it was half decent but I missed home. Big time. 

Eventually Jane had to make a decision and ask me to move on, large phone bills and the added expense taking its toll. I understood of course. So, I stayed with Alan, my mums brother, who she hates and I can see why. A proper Jeremy Kyle contestant this geezer, no offence mum, but an utter classless monkey, with shit for brains, but, he put me up, it wasn't like me dad was gonna was it? 

I spent the days bored playing a nylon guitar I'd taxed from ben, that kept me sane I can tell you, one day I even took the train form Margate to,Canterbury to buy A pick. Haha. I spent the nights shitting myself to go to sleep due to spider webs everywhere in The bedroom.

I was in touch with an ex at the time, from Cardiff, I used Alan's phone a couple of times, his bill came in, it was more than usual sure, but not excessive, about £78 for a quarter, I was happy to pay I had the money, he asked me to leave, I left. 

I called my dad, he was busy, he couldn't bail me out. In the meantime I'd be chatting to another mate from Cardiff Mark, who had previously been down, was planning to travel the same day Alan asked me to leave, so I was counting on this for a place to crash. He didn't come. I spent the entire day trying to get hold of him, traveled to rams gate to meet him off the coach, the coach came, he didn't. Was gutted. Spent the night walking around, with a bag, sleeping on a park bench, incidentally a park I used to play in when I was young kid, that was ironic. Contemplated jumping in front of a train. Near where my uncle lived there's a train line close to public areas. I sat on a bench in that space by there and thought about it seriously. I was at a low ebb. I specifically remember deciding to carry on. Thinking only I can change my situation. I walked straight to my dads, he wasn't in, but his landlady was, and she was amazing. This was his sister in law now, bear that in mind when he said that the rules of his tenancy prevented me from staying. Cunt. 

I explained my situation, I said I've made mistakes to be here, it's my own doing but I need help. She was brilliant. She said I could stay. This was a Saturday. I had money coming in Thursday. My plan was to get back to Cardiff asap. 

My dad worked mon to Friday so I had to wander around Margate for hours on end until he came home from work as condition of me staying, well this is what my dad preferred I think, come Thursday, I was so excited. The previous day I spoke to the Mate who due and didn't turn up, his old man offered me a room. 

Thursday morning I was like a kid at Xmas. I had a 12 hour journey ahead of me but I didn't care. 

Cashed my giro, brought a ticket to Cardiff via Victoria. 

Got into town about 9pm. Met my mate in the prince of Wales pub where he worked, and where I would eventually work, and we went back to his gaff and to my room and my bed in my gaff. 48hrs later I had a full time job. A fortnight later I got paid about £250 . What a turnaround. 

That was so hard. That whole period. So lonely too in Margate. So desperate and when you think just 8 days ago I was sleeping on a park bench with nobody in the world to talk to. 

Life is fucked up haha. Make of it what you will but something positive came from that. 

61

It's Early Saturday am Natalie has been feeling sick for days, non stop, finding it very hard and wow who can blame her?!

Poor thing. 

I've always regarded myself as terrible around people who are ill. Natalie is very vocal it helps her deal with it, and so I'm doing my best to do whatever I can to make it that little bit easier for her. Just hope I don't fuck it up somehow by saying the wrong thing or acting in a selfish manner. If only there was a way I could control my own action?? Haha.

What a dick! 

So yeh that's been happening the baby is the size of a raspberry apparently. It's mad. 

I'm reading about it, the stages etc getting involved and all that jazz. Wanna do it good this time round because only a fool repeats history. 

It's all been done proper though, married solid relationship, then baby, seems natural I guess. 

Back to work Monday. Phased return. 

3 hours so that's 8-11 this week piss easy to me but it's mad how tired you get after time off like this, but flexibility is amazing they even say if after 2 hours I'm done then just go home. Safe. Haha. 

Lauren doing ok she has the MEN1 sadly. In one way it's cool because she is the only person I know who has it but I really really hope she doesn't suffer like me and the chances of that are very low as I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34. 

Sian apologised. I was genuinely taken back by it but reaffirmed my faith in her also it meant she must respect Natalie and that's the most important thing. Very pleased. 

Anyway, 

In a bit 

X

60

2.19 am still up from previous post. 

Natalie asleep. Bless her. Love her. 

Lauren over tomorrow. Be nice. Love her. 

As the day has progressed it's got a bit better from earlier but under riding sense of, I dunno, like worry I'd say is the best word to use. Worries that something isn't quite right in the world. Mine and Natalie's relationship has kind of been on hold in terms of physical contact. It's had quite an effect on the pair of us this, she's trying to quit the fags, amongst all the other everyday shit to deal with. All the funny pains and emotions, gotta be hard and she's my inspiration in dealing with this positively, because if she can do this, with everything she has to contend with then so can I. 

I don't smoke around her at all. Well. I'll be in the garden room or out front, she knows what I'm doing but I feel funny smoking around her. It's the right thing to do, but changing these habits is hard, like I say Natalie has had to stop, I haven't. So perspective. 

Back to work next week need the money, had a decent rest and plenty of sleep haha. 

Get back into it and look forward and provide for my new child. Our child. Our baby. Our life.

It awaits us.

In a bit 

X

59

It's Monday morning, 10:45, Natalie in work feeling really sick poor thing.

Woke up feeling such despair today, the idea of responsibility and doing the 'right' things regarding our child scaring the living shit out of me. Made me think about work, and the idea of being effectively chained to a telephone at those customers beck and call shits me up. Can't bear it. So I've been looking for work elsewhere, something with more meat. Something that makes a real difference. 

Needing to feed from my perspective right now to feel above a level of depressed. Just managing to keep my head above water here, feel like I'm struggling. Really struggling. 

Does everyone get like this? I like to think they do, not that I wish it on anybody, but in the sense that I'm not naive enough to believe that many people I know who work have moments like this. It's hard. 

Probably compounded by the fact I have a lot of time of my hands right now. Never a good mix with me.

Currently watching Jeff Brazier, a man who is on the tele because he had a relationship with somebody who went on big brother and was a bit controversial. Fuck me what a blagger. How the fuck has he done that. Good luck to him, if it was me I'd probably do it, but he's earning a good living and yet there are people out there who can't catch a break and never will. It's just not fair, and I guess that's life in a nutshell, it's not just at all. So what do I expect for myself if life is that good to the lucky lot like Jeff? 

It's not that I'm not lucky, of course I am, but constantly drawing on perspective can be tiresome. 

It's a battle to survive. 

58

Just a note I'm losing my self in the foginess that invades your mind when thinking too much and when you have too much time to think. 

I don't feel ready yet I'm aware I'm losing us money at a time when we need it most but I'm tired a lot today I had tingling in my hands for first time in a few days, so I'm weary. 

On the outside I appear fine. I can manage a trip to Asda for example but that's about it right now. 

But, I am getting ready to return to work having discovered they have me scheduled off until the 5th March, they don't expect me to rush back, which takes the pressure off.

Slowly though It's good to think about and prepare mentally for the return because it will be tiring. 

Natalie has been feeling sick today, a lot. Bless her. Almost nothing you can do to prevent that short of cyclizine which she isn't allowed. Poor bugger. I'll look after her. 

Lauren, haven't heard from her since Wednesday. Too caught up in her own life perhaps. She says she's coming over Tueaday. We shall see. Hope so. 

Anyway, another late one again. 

LFC beat palace earlier in the cup. 2-1 away. 

In a bit

X

57

I'm so alone. 

Disregarding the wife of course I have no real friends. Nobody I feel I can be really comfortable with to divulge my inner most thoughts and sometimes you need someone like that in your life, again my wife is my best friend in the world but it'd be nice to have someone who isn't her and you can banter with YER know. 

I'm 35 and I'm alone with no friends. 

It's my personality which doesn't help because I like to chill and I hate the pub and I like to chat with people but only when I'm in the mood. I can't expect anybody to be there at my beck and call. 

I have friends in the sense of good people who I share social time with but not a proper friend who just comes over and has a chat like Natalie has with kelly or sheryl. 

Every issue or problem I ever face in life I talk to my wife about which of course is a positive but it'd be nice to have that special mate YER know. 

Sad. This is not to devalue the friendships I do have with people you understand. 

58

3.18am Natalie still awake from this morning had horrible day apparently and worried about a patient. 

She's bunged up also and can't smoke to boot. Poor thing. 

Had to make her cuppa tea so now

It's 3.50am I don't want to go to bed and end up falling asleep before she does wouldn't be fair to her considering I don't have to be up for anything. Strange logic I know but it's guilt. I live with guilt every single day for some of the terrible things I've done in the past. 

And don't feel it's my place to address it as it's the price you pay for doing wrong. You live with it regardless of anything else. And this can transfer over in my personality I guess. Can't dismiss it though and never will. 

Anyway I find myself writing quite profound and deep stuff a lot of the time but that's just me I guess. Need to work more on the lighter side of life, I have a good go I've got a decent sense of humour. Most people I meet describe my humour or personality as very dry, haha, Yeh. 

Again regarding the baby news I've been good again today it serves no purplose at all to be negative about it. Embracing it as much as I can without getting too attached because it's still early days. 

Natalie's mum has had a couple of miscarriages in the past so we are both aware of this. It's biology which you can't fight to a large degree at times so need to wait. But when the day comes that we can share it that's gonna be a huge relief and hugely exciting too, for all the family and I just know how pleased everyone will be for us. 

Anyway haven't heard the mrs move for a few mins. Fingers crossed x 

57

Better today. Much better. 

Better feeling. Better outlook. 

Looked after Natalie properly for first time which is shameful, its been a week. 

Finally realised it will be amazing and such a positive overall experience for us. We have to fully embrace these challenges they are sent for a reason. 

We are gonna be ok and I will do my best maintain a good Relationship with her. 

We must remember us also and we will. 

Start the day with positivity. 

Next step is the scan at 12 weeks. 

We go from there 

Can't wait to tell people. 

Lauren will have another Brother or Sister. 

Amazing.

Thought of the day :

protect and serve your amazing wife and mother to be. Always. 

In a bit x

56

It's been a looong day. 

Upset Natalie earlier. Although she's feeling very emotional right now and struggling to give up smoking. She wasn't prepared to be just told right, stop smoking by her conscience. 

She's scared of the pain, nausea and ailments that come with this. 

She needs me to be strong and supportive. Not moping about. It's so hard to escape the fears. 

But if I'm scared imagine how she's feeling. Must be horrible and I think she's doubting the whole thing, I'm not helping as I'm coming across like I don't want the baby. It's not that I don't want to have a baby it's just I kinda resent the fact it's invaded both our lives like it has. It's just going to take some time to get my head around it. 

This woman deserves the easiest life possible, that's supposed to be my role so I need to pull my finger out. Nothing's changed just yet. So support her. 

55

Finding this incredibly hard. 

Not sure it's what either of us really want but think both are too scared to say. 

Dunno. 

54

It's sinking in little by little. 

Need to get over myself. This isn't about me. Whatever I may feel about it, I have to embrace it with open arms and look forward to the positives. 

Looking at houses, saw a nice one by Nats mums, ideal spot and lovely but we shall see. 

Changes see, I don't react well to change. But like I've said it's not about me. I'm irrelevant now. I am mourning my  life as it is. Because that's all over. 

Natalie feeling similar to me. This isn't ideal but it is what it is and she doesn't want to think about the alternatives. Can't blame her at all. 

She doesn't feel pregnant which is strange but there's still a long way to go so it's hard trying not to get too attached. Things can go wrong but I don't think they will. Hope I'm right. 

Watching MOTD Gerrards last Derby today 0-0 boring. 

Can't wait to tell somebody. Feel the need to share the news but it's only a few weeks best wait until the 1st scan. 

Thought of the day: 

Profound 

In a bit 

X

53

So, the mrs is pregnant then. We are having a child. I'm shit scared. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. I have more doubts than anything else. The change required scares me and I'm unprepared. I'm too selfish. I'm a shambles. I'm not parent material. Maybe these are natural thoughts and doubts? I hope so because it matters not what I think because I know Natalie wants to have the baby. She is of course scared and worried. I'm just being honest here and I need to be honest with Natalie too but I don't want to upset her at the same time if I tell her and the way I tell her. I will support her 100% of course, I will be the best I can be I'm just not sure it's good enough for another human being. They will call us mum and dad. We will start a lifelong journey with our child. It's really hit me for 6.

Have to embrace it wholeheartedly or what's the point ?? 

This child didn't ask to be here. I must remember that. 

God I'm scared. 

Life is different now

From today on, things will never be the same. 

52

Thursday 5th February 02:14, 

Just had a week in hospital. Admitted 27th Jan, with the worst case of pins and needles imaginable. 

Raging from head to toe. All over. So intensely it was burning. 

Into a & e fair play no wait straight into a bed, calcium infusion writhing couple hours, started to feel better but levels were very low. Normal levels 2.2 - 2.6 mine were at 1.5 very very low. Not good at all.

A direct result of the operation. 

Was eventually placed onto a ward, A1 ward, bed 21, pain killers taken, was told I would be monitored overnight with regular bloods and calcium level monitoring, this was essential as it can effect the function of the heart. So when I had the first infusion I was monitored by ecg at the same time. This should have been repeated after further blood tests overnight, monitoring, but this was not forthcoming at all. The worst night of my life. I was screaming for help with the pain, nobody offered me another infusion or blood test, it was awful, I had been lost in the system, the doctors looking after me couldn't find me. Eventually around 8am they did they took blood they gave calcium infusion, it topped me up, the pain started to subside, I slept, Natalie slept, it was the worst part over. But they failed me and Natalie completely. I felt so desperate for help I had to ring Natalie at 3 am to come and help me. And she did. Amazing, and helped me through the pain, lost lots of sleep whilst I threw up, couldn't breathe, couldn't relax, nightmare. 

Was then moved to a surgical ward C2. Been there before so felt better, shared a room with 3 others. 

Spent the next 7 days and nights having regular bloods taken, regular ecg tests, calcium and pain killer infusions, tablets and the worry that this was taking its toll on the mrs. Very difficult. 

Didn't expect that tbh, so been weird and a little weird to be home now, you get used to it, the noise, a hospital is never quiet, never silent, it's an organism. 

Calcium was being taken by my bones, not leaving enough in the blood, Hypocalcemia, had to wait for the bones to settle in its taking of the levels, seems to have started to settle, let's hope so. 

Sian upset Natalie the day I went in, which I only learned of the day I came home, was very upset and angry with sian, who has shown no respect to Natalie by ignoring her response, be it on facebook by text or face to face, she didn't need to say what she did, she argues she doesn't want to do this on Facebook hence her lack of reply yet it was good enough to instigate the argument in the first place. She is completely and utterly wrong. 

Natalie and her will deal with it between them, but sian has got it so wrong. 

Lauren has passed her test now has her car and insurance. 

It's great for her but I so worry that although she's fantastic in college and generally at home, and she has worked, she is still getting a lot on a plate without having to work toward it, she isn't paying her way which in life you must, we all must, we've all not at some stage but the longer you don't the harder it is to do.

I do hope she doesn't struggle when she hits the real world. 

Natalie asleep, gonna go bed too in a bit. 

Thought of the day:

Dunno 

In a bit x

51

It's 1.19am Sunday 25th January, 

I've been up since about 3pm , I think, had my operation Thursday just gone, got home Friday afternoon.

As you do with general anaesthetic you lose track of the hours, but wow, the 24 hrs after the op, infact the 48 after, have been awful. Fair play. Horrible constant migraine since the operation, subsides briefly for about an hour tops when given IV paracetemol, and add to that the ward I was in had zero windows, no fresh air at all, very stuffy, so had to escape to the corridors or outside just for some rest from the stale, sickly air. Was horrible and lonely, for some stupid reason I gave the mrs my phone when they called me in for the op, what a dick. The Mrs agrees entirely. 

I wasn't nervous, I was just praying it wasn't cancelled, but fuck me I wasn't mentally prepared for the aftermath of pain and discomfort. 

It's only about now I'm starting to get elements of myself back, a kind of clearer mind, the foginess of pain relief is slowly subsiding. I'm still getting the pins and needles in my lips, face and finger tips, calcium issues apparently so they gave me some tablets for that, nice chewy ones. 

I thought I was prepared, clearly I was wrong. 

All the while, Natalie is possibly having an attack, poor thing, so much going on again for her, the stress of uni, work and me not helping. I know she'll be ok, but I hate her suffering. Hate it. 

She feels bad because she can't fuss like she likes too, her own words, lol, not mine, but I say to her I will recover from this, she has a condition to deal with, it's not about me so don't worry and concentrate on yerself. She won't listen. That's why I fell in love with her, one of many reasons. 

Lauren's being a bit weird , I think, towards me, none of the 'x' on her texts anymore, and her one line replies to my texts about money just make me think she Thinks I'm being a bellend, I've kind of come to the conclusion that she thinks that anyway but that says more about me than about her. 

I dunno, I'm not a role model of any kind at all for her, I mean she was the major factor behind doing a degree, I want her to be proud of me, I'm not proud of my dad, he's never given me reason to be, and I'm not complaining here, I have my step dad, who's been amazing to me, but it's Yer dad init, and it matters, whether you think it does or not, it matters, so I'm very aware of this when I'm around her, for her own good, I don't want to harm her inadvertently, but I guess this is just something that will inevitably happen. Kids hurt their parents and vice versa, it's nature to a degree, so perhaps stop fucking going on about it here and just deal with it?? Yes, good shout. 

Whatever happens the world keeps turning. Was thinking about that. You know, life goes on, how one minute your own life and experience is so at the forefront of everything, when to 99.99% of every other specie on the planet it's completely and utterly irrelevant. Yeh, I don't like that, it's a very lonely thought. It's completely and utterly correct of course, but very isolationg. 

Anyway, now that this op has been done, perhaps I can look forward to some walking, some golf, no more migraines, please, and just generally feeling much better, and moving forward knowing this MEN1 shite is under control. Add to this the worry it causes the Mrs, let's hope she can find something to positive to fill the worry with now. 

Yeh,  a weird few days, work have extended my probation due to time off ill, but that's cool I can live with that. A job is a job right now. Will look at that again later on. 

Gonna call it a night.

Grateful. 

Xx

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It's 2nd January 2015, that went quick eh, Xmas was quiet but lovely, nice dinner and company, both Xmas and Boxing Day. 

Natalie ok doing alright, keeping at it, Lauren being a royal pain in the arse, bad attitude and like me, doesn't like to admit she's wrong, if she doesn't think she's wrong she shouldn't have to apologise according to her logic. All this kicked off whilst I was in hospital again, due to heaviness and tenderness in my balls, which we all know was the preceding symptoms I was having before ending up in hostel for 10 days with severe ulceration of the small intestine and duodenum, caused ultimately bu tumours on my pancreas, caused by MEN 1. So although the Heath just think it's an infection, which has meant I've missed work Monday and now today, I haven't been in since 20th December when we "broke up" for Xmas break,, that comes with its own concerns, but Yeh, they said epididymis orchitis, so antibiotics it is and a repeat of exactly what happened 3 yrs ago, we shall see. Don't like it.

Yeh while I was in there Lauren had her driving test, which she fAiled, sadly, but we had a falling out, I won't go into it here, but done my head right in. 

They sent me home from hospital without any pain relief, a joke considering all the time I was in there I was on 4 hourly doses of oromorph. Joke. Luckily I'm prescribed Tramadols and of course I can use paracetamol alongside, but they weren't working to their full extent before, although I do think the intensity of pain is decreasing which they said would, but can take up to a month to clear completely, but I'm hoping to be in work Monday, not long until the Parathyroidectomy on the 22nd, just pray it doesn't get moved. 

Anyway, nothing much else to report, it's been a while so needed to vent.

Oh, Steven Gerrard set to announce he's leaving Liverpool at end of this season, gutted, understand, but what a player, a priveledge just to have seen him play once. 

Thought of the day:

Respect goes a long way. 

In a bit 

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