61

It's Early Saturday am Natalie has been feeling sick for days, non stop, finding it very hard and wow who can blame her?!

Poor thing. 

I've always regarded myself as terrible around people who are ill. Natalie is very vocal it helps her deal with it, and so I'm doing my best to do whatever I can to make it that little bit easier for her. Just hope I don't fuck it up somehow by saying the wrong thing or acting in a selfish manner. If only there was a way I could control my own action?? Haha.

What a dick! 

So yeh that's been happening the baby is the size of a raspberry apparently. It's mad. 

I'm reading about it, the stages etc getting involved and all that jazz. Wanna do it good this time round because only a fool repeats history. 

It's all been done proper though, married solid relationship, then baby, seems natural I guess. 

Back to work Monday. Phased return. 

3 hours so that's 8-11 this week piss easy to me but it's mad how tired you get after time off like this, but flexibility is amazing they even say if after 2 hours I'm done then just go home. Safe. Haha. 

Lauren doing ok she has the MEN1 sadly. In one way it's cool because she is the only person I know who has it but I really really hope she doesn't suffer like me and the chances of that are very low as I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34. 

Sian apologised. I was genuinely taken back by it but reaffirmed my faith in her also it meant she must respect Natalie and that's the most important thing. Very pleased. 

Anyway, 

In a bit 

X

60

2.19 am still up from previous post. 

Natalie asleep. Bless her. Love her. 

Lauren over tomorrow. Be nice. Love her. 

As the day has progressed it's got a bit better from earlier but under riding sense of, I dunno, like worry I'd say is the best word to use. Worries that something isn't quite right in the world. Mine and Natalie's relationship has kind of been on hold in terms of physical contact. It's had quite an effect on the pair of us this, she's trying to quit the fags, amongst all the other everyday shit to deal with. All the funny pains and emotions, gotta be hard and she's my inspiration in dealing with this positively, because if she can do this, with everything she has to contend with then so can I. 

I don't smoke around her at all. Well. I'll be in the garden room or out front, she knows what I'm doing but I feel funny smoking around her. It's the right thing to do, but changing these habits is hard, like I say Natalie has had to stop, I haven't. So perspective. 

Back to work next week need the money, had a decent rest and plenty of sleep haha. 

Get back into it and look forward and provide for my new child. Our child. Our baby. Our life.

It awaits us.

In a bit 

X

59

It's Monday morning, 10:45, Natalie in work feeling really sick poor thing.

Woke up feeling such despair today, the idea of responsibility and doing the 'right' things regarding our child scaring the living shit out of me. Made me think about work, and the idea of being effectively chained to a telephone at those customers beck and call shits me up. Can't bear it. So I've been looking for work elsewhere, something with more meat. Something that makes a real difference. 

Needing to feed from my perspective right now to feel above a level of depressed. Just managing to keep my head above water here, feel like I'm struggling. Really struggling. 

Does everyone get like this? I like to think they do, not that I wish it on anybody, but in the sense that I'm not naive enough to believe that many people I know who work have moments like this. It's hard. 

Probably compounded by the fact I have a lot of time of my hands right now. Never a good mix with me.

Currently watching Jeff Brazier, a man who is on the tele because he had a relationship with somebody who went on big brother and was a bit controversial. Fuck me what a blagger. How the fuck has he done that. Good luck to him, if it was me I'd probably do it, but he's earning a good living and yet there are people out there who can't catch a break and never will. It's just not fair, and I guess that's life in a nutshell, it's not just at all. So what do I expect for myself if life is that good to the lucky lot like Jeff? 

It's not that I'm not lucky, of course I am, but constantly drawing on perspective can be tiresome. 

It's a battle to survive. 

58

Just a note I'm losing my self in the foginess that invades your mind when thinking too much and when you have too much time to think. 

I don't feel ready yet I'm aware I'm losing us money at a time when we need it most but I'm tired a lot today I had tingling in my hands for first time in a few days, so I'm weary. 

On the outside I appear fine. I can manage a trip to Asda for example but that's about it right now. 

But, I am getting ready to return to work having discovered they have me scheduled off until the 5th March, they don't expect me to rush back, which takes the pressure off.

Slowly though It's good to think about and prepare mentally for the return because it will be tiring. 

Natalie has been feeling sick today, a lot. Bless her. Almost nothing you can do to prevent that short of cyclizine which she isn't allowed. Poor bugger. I'll look after her. 

Lauren, haven't heard from her since Wednesday. Too caught up in her own life perhaps. She says she's coming over Tueaday. We shall see. Hope so. 

Anyway, another late one again. 

LFC beat palace earlier in the cup. 2-1 away. 

In a bit

X

57

I'm so alone. 

Disregarding the wife of course I have no real friends. Nobody I feel I can be really comfortable with to divulge my inner most thoughts and sometimes you need someone like that in your life, again my wife is my best friend in the world but it'd be nice to have someone who isn't her and you can banter with YER know. 

I'm 35 and I'm alone with no friends. 

It's my personality which doesn't help because I like to chill and I hate the pub and I like to chat with people but only when I'm in the mood. I can't expect anybody to be there at my beck and call. 

I have friends in the sense of good people who I share social time with but not a proper friend who just comes over and has a chat like Natalie has with kelly or sheryl. 

Every issue or problem I ever face in life I talk to my wife about which of course is a positive but it'd be nice to have that special mate YER know. 

Sad. This is not to devalue the friendships I do have with people you understand. 

58

3.18am Natalie still awake from this morning had horrible day apparently and worried about a patient. 

She's bunged up also and can't smoke to boot. Poor thing. 

Had to make her cuppa tea so now

It's 3.50am I don't want to go to bed and end up falling asleep before she does wouldn't be fair to her considering I don't have to be up for anything. Strange logic I know but it's guilt. I live with guilt every single day for some of the terrible things I've done in the past. 

And don't feel it's my place to address it as it's the price you pay for doing wrong. You live with it regardless of anything else. And this can transfer over in my personality I guess. Can't dismiss it though and never will. 

Anyway I find myself writing quite profound and deep stuff a lot of the time but that's just me I guess. Need to work more on the lighter side of life, I have a good go I've got a decent sense of humour. Most people I meet describe my humour or personality as very dry, haha, Yeh. 

Again regarding the baby news I've been good again today it serves no purplose at all to be negative about it. Embracing it as much as I can without getting too attached because it's still early days. 

Natalie's mum has had a couple of miscarriages in the past so we are both aware of this. It's biology which you can't fight to a large degree at times so need to wait. But when the day comes that we can share it that's gonna be a huge relief and hugely exciting too, for all the family and I just know how pleased everyone will be for us. 

Anyway haven't heard the mrs move for a few mins. Fingers crossed x 

57

Better today. Much better. 

Better feeling. Better outlook. 

Looked after Natalie properly for first time which is shameful, its been a week. 

Finally realised it will be amazing and such a positive overall experience for us. We have to fully embrace these challenges they are sent for a reason. 

We are gonna be ok and I will do my best maintain a good Relationship with her. 

We must remember us also and we will. 

Start the day with positivity. 

Next step is the scan at 12 weeks. 

We go from there 

Can't wait to tell people. 

Lauren will have another Brother or Sister. 

Amazing.

Thought of the day :

protect and serve your amazing wife and mother to be. Always. 

In a bit x

56

It's been a looong day. 

Upset Natalie earlier. Although she's feeling very emotional right now and struggling to give up smoking. She wasn't prepared to be just told right, stop smoking by her conscience. 

She's scared of the pain, nausea and ailments that come with this. 

She needs me to be strong and supportive. Not moping about. It's so hard to escape the fears. 

But if I'm scared imagine how she's feeling. Must be horrible and I think she's doubting the whole thing, I'm not helping as I'm coming across like I don't want the baby. It's not that I don't want to have a baby it's just I kinda resent the fact it's invaded both our lives like it has. It's just going to take some time to get my head around it. 

This woman deserves the easiest life possible, that's supposed to be my role so I need to pull my finger out. Nothing's changed just yet. So support her. 

55

Finding this incredibly hard. 

Not sure it's what either of us really want but think both are too scared to say. 

Dunno. 

54

It's sinking in little by little. 

Need to get over myself. This isn't about me. Whatever I may feel about it, I have to embrace it with open arms and look forward to the positives. 

Looking at houses, saw a nice one by Nats mums, ideal spot and lovely but we shall see. 

Changes see, I don't react well to change. But like I've said it's not about me. I'm irrelevant now. I am mourning my  life as it is. Because that's all over. 

Natalie feeling similar to me. This isn't ideal but it is what it is and she doesn't want to think about the alternatives. Can't blame her at all. 

She doesn't feel pregnant which is strange but there's still a long way to go so it's hard trying not to get too attached. Things can go wrong but I don't think they will. Hope I'm right. 

Watching MOTD Gerrards last Derby today 0-0 boring. 

Can't wait to tell somebody. Feel the need to share the news but it's only a few weeks best wait until the 1st scan. 

Thought of the day: 

Profound 

In a bit 

X

53

So, the mrs is pregnant then. We are having a child. I'm shit scared. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. I have more doubts than anything else. The change required scares me and I'm unprepared. I'm too selfish. I'm a shambles. I'm not parent material. Maybe these are natural thoughts and doubts? I hope so because it matters not what I think because I know Natalie wants to have the baby. She is of course scared and worried. I'm just being honest here and I need to be honest with Natalie too but I don't want to upset her at the same time if I tell her and the way I tell her. I will support her 100% of course, I will be the best I can be I'm just not sure it's good enough for another human being. They will call us mum and dad. We will start a lifelong journey with our child. It's really hit me for 6.

Have to embrace it wholeheartedly or what's the point ?? 

This child didn't ask to be here. I must remember that. 

God I'm scared. 

Life is different now

From today on, things will never be the same. 

52

Thursday 5th February 02:14, 

Just had a week in hospital. Admitted 27th Jan, with the worst case of pins and needles imaginable. 

Raging from head to toe. All over. So intensely it was burning. 

Into a & e fair play no wait straight into a bed, calcium infusion writhing couple hours, started to feel better but levels were very low. Normal levels 2.2 - 2.6 mine were at 1.5 very very low. Not good at all.

A direct result of the operation. 

Was eventually placed onto a ward, A1 ward, bed 21, pain killers taken, was told I would be monitored overnight with regular bloods and calcium level monitoring, this was essential as it can effect the function of the heart. So when I had the first infusion I was monitored by ecg at the same time. This should have been repeated after further blood tests overnight, monitoring, but this was not forthcoming at all. The worst night of my life. I was screaming for help with the pain, nobody offered me another infusion or blood test, it was awful, I had been lost in the system, the doctors looking after me couldn't find me. Eventually around 8am they did they took blood they gave calcium infusion, it topped me up, the pain started to subside, I slept, Natalie slept, it was the worst part over. But they failed me and Natalie completely. I felt so desperate for help I had to ring Natalie at 3 am to come and help me. And she did. Amazing, and helped me through the pain, lost lots of sleep whilst I threw up, couldn't breathe, couldn't relax, nightmare. 

Was then moved to a surgical ward C2. Been there before so felt better, shared a room with 3 others. 

Spent the next 7 days and nights having regular bloods taken, regular ecg tests, calcium and pain killer infusions, tablets and the worry that this was taking its toll on the mrs. Very difficult. 

Didn't expect that tbh, so been weird and a little weird to be home now, you get used to it, the noise, a hospital is never quiet, never silent, it's an organism. 

Calcium was being taken by my bones, not leaving enough in the blood, Hypocalcemia, had to wait for the bones to settle in its taking of the levels, seems to have started to settle, let's hope so. 

Sian upset Natalie the day I went in, which I only learned of the day I came home, was very upset and angry with sian, who has shown no respect to Natalie by ignoring her response, be it on facebook by text or face to face, she didn't need to say what she did, she argues she doesn't want to do this on Facebook hence her lack of reply yet it was good enough to instigate the argument in the first place. She is completely and utterly wrong. 

Natalie and her will deal with it between them, but sian has got it so wrong. 

Lauren has passed her test now has her car and insurance. 

It's great for her but I so worry that although she's fantastic in college and generally at home, and she has worked, she is still getting a lot on a plate without having to work toward it, she isn't paying her way which in life you must, we all must, we've all not at some stage but the longer you don't the harder it is to do.

I do hope she doesn't struggle when she hits the real world. 

Natalie asleep, gonna go bed too in a bit. 

Thought of the day:

Dunno 

In a bit x