47

Monday, well, early hrs Tuesday. Two days off. Bliss. 

The Mrs is ok, she's off too tomorrow, be nice to be around each other all day.

Lauren working tomorrow, new job, four hour shift. 

I've got a brain tumour. A tumour in the pituitary gland. 10mm in size apparently. Will be monitored. Benign. Still, not the best news ever, but it's another element of my condition. 

Works ok, still having those moments of despair where I just can't face doing it for the next 50 years or whatever it is, of course I'm not going to be doing this for that long and it's good for the soul to work an honest day's work. Still learning the job but had a few days now on the phones with 2 to 1 mentoring. Had the boss sat in with me today, she's cool tuffy. Very gentle but very firm. 

Wish we had a sofa bed, just can't be arsed to walk up them stairs lol. 

Thought of the day: 

It's never as bad as it seems

In a bit.

46

Woke up today with a mental headache, proceeded to throw up about half hour later, fell asleep for an hour on the settee, feel a whole lot better but still lingering. 

Fucking horrible. 

Watching Scottish football. Aberdeen v celtic. It's boring. 

Natalie working. I wish she was here. 

Just a short one today. 

In a bit. 

45

Post 45. Didn't think this would go on this long. Originally started to try and deal with some Anger I was feeling not long after the whole operation and cancer shite. That's improved since loads, hardly feel anger these days, so it maybe helped then. Good thinking. 

Off me tits again, pain in legs again, up late again, day off again, all I do when Im off work is sit on me arse all day watching various tv ...

But, I do get tired as a result of all this men 1 shit. 

Natalie asleep, poor thing had no kip last night so she knackered today and glad she got off ok earlier. The love I have for that woman is , oooohhhh, hard to fathom. Immense. Intense. Amazing. 

Lauren enjoyed her first day at work today, mostly paper work but another shift Saturday for 3 hrs for her and so on.... Well done to her. 

I sometimes seem to enjoy alone time more than being around people, Natalie or Lauren withstanding, everyone else seems to take second place... It's terrible to say that but I find life hard that I get a bit carried away with the constant daily battles I fight just to get through the day, the mere thought of working almost brings me out in a rash lol, but it is a battle to find the positives and to hold onto them. I say a battle they are easy to find but I'm always looking to find them, Dyou get me ?

But wow, I've made progress these last few years. I never thought I'd reach a stage where I could hold a job down for more than a year, but I did, and I'm glad I've overcome that fear of commitment work wise, and no matter how you feel you just have to do it. Illness aside that is. 

Took me years to grow up, did so many terrible things to people I loved or love. Too many to mention some minor, some major guilt ridden things, that I realise no matter how sorry, how remorseful I am, and I am, it will never alter the effects of my actions, yes I can say I was a stupid kid, but that's still not an excuse. I'll carry that guilt to the grave, as i should, the least I deserved punishment for what I've done. 

But, you have to carry on, move forward for the sake of the people who love you and for the sake of yourself. I mean to think at one point I was squatting in an old flat, that I still happened to have the keys too, and not having lived there for months, wasn't even sure they would actually open the door, I faced a 5mile walk from Penarth to Grangetown just to find that out. Luckily they did. This was at 7am in the morning after my parents threw me out of the house in Penarth, that I was staying in whilst I was 'getting back on my feet', which Translates to basically sitting around thinking of shit to sell or ways to get hold of some cash, smoking dope, which ultimately caused this demise. 

Two days before I was up at the Lewis arms in ton, and I stole my sisters cash card, borrowed her bike, and then proceeded to cycle from ton to coryton asda, withdrew £20, rode to Grangetown to get some gear, then on to Penarth. Got stoned went to sleep. 

Next day, skinned up in the bathroom, left gear etc on floor of bathroom, went to town, came back gear gone. Fuck. My mum or dad have popped in and I've been busted. I walk to the pay phone round the corner, ring mum, she knows, she's very disappointed, upset, gutted, I'm gutted, I'm sorry, but dads on his way over first thing in the morning and you are out she said. One of the worst moments I remember. By the off chance an old mate walks past and can see I'm upset, he offered me somewhere to stay the day after, I accept his offer. Fate that was. I don't buy all the Jesus shite, but that was fate.

So, 6 am a knock at the door, it's my dad, he pins up against the wall, and rightly so you'd argue, and put all my shit in black bin bags, and locked the front door whilst I stood outside. No where to go. With 6 bags of clothes and shit. 

A shameful tale that on my part. One of many. I didn't learn though. I ended up homeless again, twice. Albeit briefly. This time I stayed at the flat for about a week, spent every day out of the flat, looking for work and some help, got a job working for transco where ikea is now, and eventually found a really nice fella who took pity on me, I gave him a load of bullshit when describing how I'd got there.... I walked daily from Llandaff to Grangetown and back, until I got paid two weeks later, but yes you guessed it, I shit on him aswell, after about 4 weeks I stole a £20 off him, he bust me, threw me out at 11:30pm, slept in Cardiff bus station. Found a new gaff the very next day. Was a terrible shithole. 

The story does continue but it's so long I cannot be arsed, basically ended up in a B and B, which led to Margate homeless, back to Grangetown, me a bird fell in love lived in cathays, she dumped me for stealing, twat, back to cross keys to mum and dad, met Natalie, end of. 

I'm off. 

44

Saturday night. The Mrs is out in Cardiff on Lucy's hen do. Not her sister. 

Kelly's sister in law. Kelly is Natalie's best mate, and my mate too, I actually met Kelly before I met Natalie, nothing like that, she worked for my parents at the cross keys pub Nantgarw. 

I've known her for about 13 years now, a legend, a star, we think alike also. 

So Yeh, Lauren's good, she got herself a job after I lectured her a bit to get into town and have a look round as it's almost Xmas... She eventually caved , applied and a few days later got the job, so good effort on her part, she's done well and it's an invaluable life experience for her too. 

Me? Watching Peep Show via the laptop on the tele, having a smoke, worked today, been there 5 weeks now I think, getting more confident but still getting stumped also, next week on the phones full time except Friday morning. 

So Yeh, daunting but, now the time to just get up, go work and get on with it, become one of the lads, one of the team part of the furniture and all that and look to the future. Taking into account of finally getting out of the hell hole that is conduit towers, and getting over that initial new starter feeling of change and limbo, and the bad shifts, which are to me right now, spot on, I like them. 

I don't seem to have the mentality of Mon to Sunday working week, it's weird, I'm back in Monday but really it's my Friday because I'm RDO, Rotad Day Off, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ok Thursday mornings aren't the best but it's Thursday so it's almost end of the week, get that done, Friday and then after Saturday nice day off Sunday, Never working more than 3 days in a row is beneficial in a psychological sense. The pay is amazing. The company values the staff, the amount of concern shown to me has been great in terms of health issues, had a chat with our TM 'tuffy', who incidentally is actually cool. Hard but fair, and I like that, but Yeh she sat me down to discuss my health situation and has relayed that to Occupational Health who will now contact me to discuss how they can and will support me, so that's such a relief, because with all this shit you feel a burden, because sooner or later, it's very likely I'll have to pull a sicky and when that happens, well, they will understand, I'm hoping I can get through u til January without doing that, operation will hopefully see to the symptoms. 

Yeh, so, nothing else really to report... Oh yeh, dads emailed me, we are currently exchanging very frustrating emails. 

Plan for tomorrow, we'll see how the Mrs is first, lol, and play it by ear but as much sleep as possible I reckon haha. Lazy cunt.

Thought of the day:

Stop eating shit yer fat twat.

In a bit x