38

Late again, but it's ok, had a bit of an epiphany today, a much needed one.

I say epiphany, more like reaffirmation of the belief that, whatever happens, change is ultimately good, not at first, it's proper shite tbh, really hard, lost, limbo. Alone, I've done this before but with more pressure to perform, I said it was my last chance to impress, to progress, and I'm now with a company that is renowned for looking after its own. A significant jump from the last role, so that's an achievement to be proud of and more importantly, to embrace with both fucking hands, hold it tight, don't let it go, squeeze the living shit out of it, love it and hate with the same ferocity, just do what's right.

37

So, Natalie told me today that she's very disappointed by the wedding, the pictures and generally the whole day, which makes me sad, she deserves the best and I can't help but feel I've failed her in some way, should I have got more involved? Was there anything that I perhaps could have done? 

We both agreed it wasn't as we really wanted it but I didn't know she felt this bad about it, and I'm sorry for her. She's really down right now, so I need to perk her up a bit. 

I can't help but wonder if she is now having doubts about the whole marriage thing and being with me, she says she loves me and her disappointment is not linked to her feelings, but it worries me that she felt the need to say that.... Am I being paranoid??? I hope fucking so!!! 

Thought of the day:

Take nothing for granted.

In a bit. 

36

I'm fucked. Been a right bellend to the Mrs today, I'm such an ungrateful fucker sometimes.

I'm stoned, taken tramadols and stoned, ( evidently by that statement ) haha what a dickhead hahahaha....

Yeh, having peaks and troughs , ups and downs with my perspective and feeling about the future, just work wise mainly I guess, I am really glad I seem to have found a company that cares, and is professional but I don't wanna be doing this for the next forty years.... But...... I had a shot of team leader before and it took me just over a year to get there so just keep my head down and you never know.... 

Yep, I'm fucked, Nats fucked, poor bugger struggling with sleep lately, time for bed. 

Thought of the day:

STOP BEING A CUNT

In a bit x

35

Late one again. 

Went to new starters intro at BG, met some of the guys I'll be training with, a couple from conduit, ha, hrs are shit tho, well I say shit, get three days off a week, but work every Saturday , pffftt... 

Gonna get me feet under the table and get onto changing that Asaph... But yeh always hate those introduction scenarios but glad I went, back at 8 Monday morning. 

Looking forward to working for a professional outfit.

Thought of the day:

New beginning.

In a bit. 

34

I'm fucked. Stoned. Tramadols. In pain but numb. It's 4:15 am. Natalie only been asleep an hour or so. Why does she have to suffer from this?? She's such a sufferer. Always has been. It's just confirmation that life is just not fair. Good hard working people like the Mrs, have it the fucking hardest.

It's because nature knows they can deal with it, because they are strong enough. 

Thought of the day: 

Support the supporter. 

In a bit 

33

Just gone midnight it's Tuesday now, had a weird day, woke up feeling sick for good couple hours, Natalie having rough time with her ear, shit scared, not knowing what to do, life fucking sucks at times. 

Sort of in limbo, not knowing what to do, should just go bed, but can't be arsed with that, wanna just sit here, reflecting. Dunno why I do that. 

What does it achieve to reflect? I mean Yeh lessons to be learned, knowledge and wisdom to be formed but it never quite fulfills its desire. Reflecting. 

Anyway gotta ring work tomorrow to sort out first day shite , got me hours already for first week, mon, Thursday, Friday and Saturday I'm in, 8 til 6 I think, at least the first day anyway. 

So 1 day in and then two off straight away, may feel a bit disjointed a bit for a while then but so be it, it's what I need. Looking forward to it actually, to see how a proper company does it. 

Worried about my health in terms of work and whether it will get in the way at all.

 Fucking hope not.

I've written them a note to explain the issues I have. 

Anyway, still bored. Joint then bed most probs. 

Thought of the day: 

Hate Limbo.

In a bit

X

32

Saturday night. Natalie in bed, had an episode of an attack earlier today, not full on like and fair play she battled through it, but it's back and I'm so scared for her. 

She doesn't deserve this.

Finished at Cuntuit Global. No fuss. No goodbyes to the horrible fuckers.

Made a couple of decent friends hopefully. 

Onwards. 

Just gonna chill and then look forward to BG. Gonna be a learning curve.

Been watching re runs of Shameless from the top. Fucking great show.

Not much else to report.

Oh, saw an online article about a 56 year old geezer who had lost his leg to gangrene, and after having a stroke lost use of left arm, and had been rejected by RCT for payments  towards a carer..... 

The man, when I knew him was a horrible vicious cunt at times, always on edge around him, never forget that feeling, he rented me a room for a short while, when I really needed one but it has to be said he only did that because at the time it suited him, he fucking hated me and rightly so. Anyway, he was a mates old fella, but it's surreal to see someone who intimidated me so much look so vulnerable. Wouldn't wish that on any fucker. As much of a cunt as they may have been.

Thought of the day:

Be nice to people. 

In a bit. X

31

It's 13th September. 

What a come down. Huge come down. 

Since my last post I've experienced the greatest two weeks of my life. Nothing will quite top it.

This last week I have retuned to work. It's been grim. For both of us.

But those two weeks will never be matched. A beautiful wedding an amazing honeymoon. 

A sense of sadness hangs over me because it's over, but hopefully that will subside as life kicks back in for us.

Words really can't do it justice, the memories are stored and I guess to be reflected upon, so i not gonna go into it here because some things are sacred. 

I love my wife. 

Thought of the day:

Lucky bastard.

In a bit.