43

Early Wednesday am, Lauren staying, her and Natalie asleep. Not long and I'm off to bed.

Been a good week, seem to have got over the cold and work wise, getting more and more used to taking calls, still loads to learn of course, but Yeh starting to feel I'm part of the 'gang' lol. 

Building a bifta here . . . . . . . . . Done. 

It's twenty past three lol, been good all week sleep wise, nice early nights etc, sensible like so fuck it, nice lie in, and I know Lauren will appreciate that sentiment. 

Not much else going on really.. Haven't spoken to me dad for weeks, he's away with meg and Clare along with katie and family in Devon I believe. Some times with dad it seems like he's trying to make a point, and I sometimes worry I've pissed him off but then I think, well, he would say if I have.... Dunno, need to sort out thank you cards thought, it's been too long already, but anyway it'd be a Nice break for them. Not sure if sian has gone or not.

Mum seems ok from brief exchanges on facebook. 

Managed to get some solid but it doesn't crumble as it should, big clumps like, so it's going sharpish and no sign of anything soon anywhere , starting to panic. It's like my life's foundation, as long as I have that I can face anything, the mere idea of not having a joint when I come home from work really gets me down in the dumps. I realise how pathetic that may sound but it is what it is. 

I feel grounded with it. 

One day I will stop it, I know it, my mind needs to be at a certain place where it's like ' enough is enough ' and I just accept it, very easily, that's how I think it'll happen when I do eventually stop. 

Twinges again tonight, which reminds me I spoke to work finally about my health, I spoke to ,y manager actually and she was receptive and empathetic, so good signs, the reality of it may be somewhat different in practice if it means I have to go outside for air a few times in one shift or worse case scenario I have to call in sick. That worries me greatly, I've been in a lot of discomfort at some points in training so far, but do not want to risk a black mark against my name for being off sick. Natalie keeps saying ' you have a condition, you are not well ' and you are protected by the equality act etc etc, and that does help massively but the reality is most people feel some sort of guilt when calling in sick, genuine or not. I'm getting a bit obsessed by it all really which can't be good mentally!? 

If I'm sick I'm sick, tough shit British Gas, deal with it. Yeh, that's how I need to be when I'm not good. 

I've had zero fucking support from the hospital, I should have been referred to genetic counselling but nothing. There are people I can talk to , Macmillan, some work employee support line as well but I don't ever pick up the phone and call, I don't know why, I guess I haven't got to that point where I felt I needed to, if I did, I would have by now but they are there if I do, which is kind of nice to know, and of course I have my wife, the wonderful Natalie, who moves heaven and earth to comfort me. I feel almost invincible if I know she is around to look after me, like nothing could get me.. 

This cancer nonsense, yes I've had it, a tumour, on the pancreas, it was removed, I'm ok, it seems on paper very simple and almost not even note worthy, like a wart which can just be frozen off, job done, finito. But then again, it got there in the 1st place, how? Will it happen again? And if so, where? How bad? It's like yer on a tight rope, I've always said this anyway, but with this tumour cancer shit, it could return anytime and then what? It could change everything, it may well not return and cool beans, but it's hard to regard myself as a cancer sufferer in the same breadth as the likes of say Lauren's auntie who had chemo, lost her hair, all sorts, and the others who endured all that suffering, so although, yes, I had cancer, I didn't, yer know?? May sound weird but there you go.

Anyway, enough of that shit. 

Thought of the day: 

Cherish the gift of children. 

In a bit. X

42

Just getting over a cold, was Saturday just gone, it's early Wednesday now, day in work then a quick bevvie with the team, on way home on train just knew something was coming. You seem to get a sign just before, you mostly dismiss it, as I did here. got home, couldn't really relax, and then suddenly my left nostril was completely blocked. By Monday morning I was like death walking into work, couple of the team said ' you do not look well mate '. Was a horrible day but comforted by the fact I was off the next day, so with severe lack of sleep and constant blowing me nose, I got through it, home then rest.

Did fuck all today, Tuesday , that is. 

Lauren's well, she keeps hinting at how skint she is, and how she needs to have these driving lessons like every week, and I'm l like you get money via csa, which you have told me yer mum gives straight to you, which is what 150 a month, and that's not enough to last a 17 yr old with no responsibility except to get to and from college, she retorts with I needed a new top cos of this house party, era, you really don't need to buy new clothes for every house party, or even going out to a pub, it's ridiculous that twit use which has been nurtured and fulfilled by her mother and family.... Or she needs to have 2 hour driving lessons next week dos her instructor said, well of course he will say that, I mean forgive my scepticism here but so what, why can't it wait another couple of weeks? If you can't afford it then well I'm sorry but tough. It comes across like I'm a stingy fucker toward Lauren, and I admit I have been, but this is Deffo not this time, she needs to learn that in the real world you can't just go about having everything you want when you want it without making some sort of sacrifice on her part, and that's what's missing from her life to a degree now. Sadly the place she works don't seem to need her much lately, but I've tried helping her with jobs, gave her details of a couple of places, offered to print cvs for her, help with applications, and when I ask for updates she says she forgot to apply for the job... I mean, she's complaining she is always skint, and yet there is a job, a chance to make regular money on the table and she forgets about taking steps to address her money issues... I honestly don't understand that logic... Part of me thinks she just cannot be arsed, which she has a tendency to adopt, so then I think fine, I can't be arsed to bail you out. 

Whatever my rationale when it comes to money she'll think I'm a fucking dickhead no doubt.

I always feel I'm never gonna be taken seriously by the girl. 

I did however offer to pay for her theory as a way of supporting her, because I do support her as she is having a go at this driving thing and doing great in college so you have to be seen to be doing things like that to help with her confidence... But truth be told I'm not sure she is prepared for it, she'll say she is but I know different... Just intuition I guess, and I don't blame her for that, I was like it, we've all tried to blag it like ...... I was the king of bragging it at one point of my life. Haha. 

Natalie is ok I guess, she seems really really down lately, work I shit, uni work on top of that, and of course me to deal with, wish I could fix her. Health wise she's doing very well, in the sense she's still adopting the attitude of Fuck Off, I'm doing what I want and you ain't gonna stop me, brave. So proud to call her my wife and to be called her husband. Marriage is good for the soul. It protects the love we hold for each other. 

Me, well health same as ever really, few more pains in stomach past week or so, sore legs and feet as per, but gladly I haven't needed time off work. Half our days there now are actually taking calls, and learning on the job with mentors. This is good, they are happy to help and let us try and deal with the calls as much as we can, feedback is immediate, it's relaxed right now, so making the most of that side of it. Starting to feel like I belong more and more each week there, and to be honest it's a nice environment to be in, add to that I get a grand pay rise if I pass probation, then there is lots to be positive about, regardless of the shit Saturday shifts lol.

Wow, a long one today, what else has been happening? I do need a pee so hang on ....... that's better... Not much I guess, trying to stay in touch with likes of Joe from conduit, but he is ignoring all lines of communication for some reason, as is Emily who to be fair, is hard work, I appreciate she has mental issues of course, but don't we all?? I mean we've all got shit to deal with, day to day shit, past shit, future shit, we all have it... But I guess we are all guilty of letting it get the better of us also, Christ I'm hard work for fucks sake so as much as that statement is true, it's not that simple I guess.

Haven't heard from my dad since just after the honeymoon, think he's like me in that sense, I'm terrible at staying in regular contact with the people I love and care about, apart from Lauren and obviously Natalie. 

As for my real dad, nothing, he had to think about whether he wanted to be a father to me according to his last email to me, so I took away the need for him to think. The useless cunt. 

Liverpool Real Madrid tonight at anfield, huge game, we probably won't win, but a far cry from Europa league away games with hodgson at the helm, fuck me how did that fucking happen?!. 

Anyway, got hold of some pollen and I'm off to skin up,

Thought of the day:

Stop eating bread yer fat twat.

In a bit. 

41

It's early hours Wednesday morning. Natalie asleep. She has been hard at it with Uni work, 500 word essay due next week, stress, she's such a perfectionist lol, she'll be fine.

Saw Lauren earlier, drove up we went for a bevvie, she spilt my coffee all over her, bless her it hurt, took her home and all seems to be ok, she didn't want to go hospital, who does, but she wouldn't show me , which I guess is tad embarrassing but it's only me, I've seen worse. Anyway she ok. 

Work is getting better, then change is still ongoing, but compared to the last entry feel I've made progress. Don't get me wrong come Thursday when I'm back, I seem to have two to three odd hours of utter misery and feeling sorry for myself at the thought of working, but then, before you know it yer home, it's done, and only two days til I'm off again, come Saturday's then it's all gravy as I'm off tomorrow, and Monday is kind of our Friday so makes it easier too. The team are bonding well it seems, although I guess soon enough the claws will come out, I'm sure I've annoyed them in some manner, but Yeh we've taken a few calls, we've had what, 14 hrs on the phones in all, still nerve racking being in such limbo, but the mentors have been very helpful and they've all been there. The banters friendly, the place is starting to feel a bit more like home, going for tea, coffee, a fag, some food, vending machines etc, it's all imprinted now so that's positive progress. 

Waiting to see if I'm being paid today, they say I am but like to know lol.. Really need some money.

Lauren got a bit weird with me earlier, discussing the apparent need to have one lesson a week to which she said she was gonna ask about a two hour lesson Next week but no money, I say, what about the CSA money, it's all gone already ? Yeh, she said, all on Blackpool plus it was paid beginning of sept and mam said because you changed jobs, she asked the csa apparently, that payment won't be til end of October...... So I'm gonna ring them and tell them to stop feeding her information.... 

I say well I'm sure it was end of September, dos I remember saying to Lauren when Discussing it before that it Deffo went from my pay, and she said Yeh eventually she got it... So she's pulling a fast one there, I may be wrong but I'm sure I'm not, but anyway, not the point, she has to realise she can't have it all on a plate, she has to be patient, wait like most people, at this time of her life she needs to make habits of saving, waiting for reward and paying her way, for her own good. I fear her mother doesn't agree. She still pays Lauren's mobile Bill , which is close to unacceptable really... I MEAN 150. From me, 40 a month from college, that's more than enought for a 17 year old who doesn't work or pay any bills... Thank you very much. Deal with it I say... Not in a Nasty way you understand. 

Fuck, this is long eh... A record perhaps, bit of a rant, lol, anyway back to it. 

Oh, new pain has introduced itself lately, a sharp intense build up of pain in abdominal area, very off putting and it fookin hurts.

Though of the day:

Be yourself. 

In a bit. X

40

It's 2 am, I'm razzed, tramadols for back pain, suffered when cleaning , what a loser... Lol..

Bored on days off, can't go far cos of legs but on top of that nowhere to fookin go on a Tuesday or Wednesday, everyone is working, but it is what it is. 

Mrs having sleep trouble again, looks so drained the poor thing. 

House is a mess as well, just clothes everywhere but nowhere to put them and the rest of the shit. 

Mrs keeps getting at me about smoking the old gear. She has a strong argument, but I get the feeling she doesn't consider how difficult I would find trying to stop, especially as I've no desire to do so, I enjoy it, it chills me out, helps me cope with life. I fear I'm not strong enough to let it go. 

I am absolutely razzed here but it's a nice relaxed buzz, nothing drastic, and the pain has certainly subsided. 

Week 2 of BG, it's still easy money, classroom most of the day, having a laugh along the way, and the best thing is the training group is my team so we will grow together, and everyone seems nice which always makes it easier. I'm not sure about our TM, she seems a bit serious, po faced, but that's exactly like me so im not sure what that means lol. 

But yeh, last week I really struggled with adjusting, but now when I go in I feel much more at home, the little things like going to get a tea or for a fag, feeling comfortable and like you belong there is important. My shifts are good and bad, but they are steady, meaning they don't change week by week. Shorter hours than Conduit, Monday Thursday Friday Saturday 8 - 6, 2 15 mins breaks either side of a 45 min lunch, which is just right, cos half hour is never quite enough and an hour is too long.

The calls are varied, which I think will be really good, I managed nearly 2 yrs of booking appointments. Call after call, Sunday's, birthdays, bank holidays, lates, earlies, shite hours but stuck to it, so this is gonna be a piece of piss, and the fact the calls are varied means, hopefully, the days will go a little bit quicker. I also enjoy the fact I never work more than 3 days in a row, and that every Monday I can go to work knowing it's the equivalent of my Friday. 

Having a job used to scare the living shit out of me, the commitment it requires, the discipline to go, the soul selling, but the positives far outweigh the negatives and when things are tough and not all that enjoyable, you have to grab those positives with both hands and focus. If I can adjust to do it then anyone can, I consider myself weak minded at the best of times, but lately, last couple of years I've come to see that perhaps I'm stronger than I thought. 

Anyway, enough of that bullshit, haha, been watching a lot of shameless, completed it and now I'm back onto series 6... God we have over 300 to channels to watch but it's all shit, too much choice infact, which also gives licence to making programmes such as towie and x factory... 

Lauren has decided she wants to go to Swansea uni preferably, and I'm so proud of her decision making process, she's spot on with it, very mature, she has such a good head on her shoulders, but I feel is susceptible to making bad choices, but only in fear do I think that. She places a lot of weight on fitting in and pressure to perform and look in a way that doesn't matter in the scheme of things... I mean she has very expensive taste and for someone who, according to her, is given over £200 a month, with no rent or bills to pay at all, she seems to always need money. Even her mobile Bill is being paid for by her mother, I wouldn't fucking stand for that nonsense tbh.... She has to learn habits of responsibility now, I mean she will eventually of course, but I worry it will be a whole lot harder for her because she is so modicuddled by her family. It makes me sad to witness the effect it clearly has on her perceptions and attitudes towards what matters. 

It's hard to fathom I'm a dad sometimes, I mean on a day to day basis I'm not a parent, I mean I am by nature but I don't get to see her, or deal with everyday issues or subjects, so I find it incredibly hard to feel like a parent, I feel bad for that naturally, but it's a circumstantial situation. 

My biggest and most apparent fear is that Lauren will reject me as a father, I wasn't there when she came into this world and I'm not with her as much I want to be. I'd die for that girl in an instant, I just want her to need me. She's the most important person that ever lived right now.

Another fucking late one then meaning I'm getting up late meaning I'll miss half the day asleep, although when yer asleep you are as good as dead, meaning nothing matters which can be bliss, this time tomorrow I'll be fretting about going to work for 3 days in a row, and then I'll get over it and get on with it, so why bother fretting in the first place??? It's ridiculous. I think I'm just biologically allergic to work. Lol. Bellend.

Thought of the day : 

Keep calm and carry on 

In a bit

X

39

Knackered. Always knackered. Too fucked to do anything when I can to fucked to do anything when I have to. 

Just tired. 

Legs, head, stomach. Scans, tablets, drowsiness. Constant cycles. 

Work. Home. Sleep. Work. Home. Sleep. 

At the same time, how lucky and privileged I am. 

I have all I'll ever need. Always something to lose. Precarious. 

Thought of the day: 

Go to bed. 

In a bit. 

Stay positive. 

you are very lucky. You have somebody who loves you. You have a decent existence. You are having a go. You are doing what's right. You are contributing. You are doing this to hopefully make you feel more positive about going to work. It scares you. You hate it. It's good for you. Great for you. And you are setting an example for Lauren. Natalie carried you for years. You owe her to try your very best and never give up. Be happy. Smile. Love. Live.