47

Monday, well, early hrs Tuesday. Two days off. Bliss. 

The Mrs is ok, she's off too tomorrow, be nice to be around each other all day.

Lauren working tomorrow, new job, four hour shift. 

I've got a brain tumour. A tumour in the pituitary gland. 10mm in size apparently. Will be monitored. Benign. Still, not the best news ever, but it's another element of my condition. 

Works ok, still having those moments of despair where I just can't face doing it for the next 50 years or whatever it is, of course I'm not going to be doing this for that long and it's good for the soul to work an honest day's work. Still learning the job but had a few days now on the phones with 2 to 1 mentoring. Had the boss sat in with me today, she's cool tuffy. Very gentle but very firm. 

Wish we had a sofa bed, just can't be arsed to walk up them stairs lol. 

Thought of the day: 

It's never as bad as it seems

In a bit.

46

Woke up today with a mental headache, proceeded to throw up about half hour later, fell asleep for an hour on the settee, feel a whole lot better but still lingering. 

Fucking horrible. 

Watching Scottish football. Aberdeen v celtic. It's boring. 

Natalie working. I wish she was here. 

Just a short one today. 

In a bit. 

45

Post 45. Didn't think this would go on this long. Originally started to try and deal with some Anger I was feeling not long after the whole operation and cancer shite. That's improved since loads, hardly feel anger these days, so it maybe helped then. Good thinking. 

Off me tits again, pain in legs again, up late again, day off again, all I do when Im off work is sit on me arse all day watching various tv ...

But, I do get tired as a result of all this men 1 shit. 

Natalie asleep, poor thing had no kip last night so she knackered today and glad she got off ok earlier. The love I have for that woman is , oooohhhh, hard to fathom. Immense. Intense. Amazing. 

Lauren enjoyed her first day at work today, mostly paper work but another shift Saturday for 3 hrs for her and so on.... Well done to her. 

I sometimes seem to enjoy alone time more than being around people, Natalie or Lauren withstanding, everyone else seems to take second place... It's terrible to say that but I find life hard that I get a bit carried away with the constant daily battles I fight just to get through the day, the mere thought of working almost brings me out in a rash lol, but it is a battle to find the positives and to hold onto them. I say a battle they are easy to find but I'm always looking to find them, Dyou get me ?

But wow, I've made progress these last few years. I never thought I'd reach a stage where I could hold a job down for more than a year, but I did, and I'm glad I've overcome that fear of commitment work wise, and no matter how you feel you just have to do it. Illness aside that is. 

Took me years to grow up, did so many terrible things to people I loved or love. Too many to mention some minor, some major guilt ridden things, that I realise no matter how sorry, how remorseful I am, and I am, it will never alter the effects of my actions, yes I can say I was a stupid kid, but that's still not an excuse. I'll carry that guilt to the grave, as i should, the least I deserved punishment for what I've done. 

But, you have to carry on, move forward for the sake of the people who love you and for the sake of yourself. I mean to think at one point I was squatting in an old flat, that I still happened to have the keys too, and not having lived there for months, wasn't even sure they would actually open the door, I faced a 5mile walk from Penarth to Grangetown just to find that out. Luckily they did. This was at 7am in the morning after my parents threw me out of the house in Penarth, that I was staying in whilst I was 'getting back on my feet', which Translates to basically sitting around thinking of shit to sell or ways to get hold of some cash, smoking dope, which ultimately caused this demise. 

Two days before I was up at the Lewis arms in ton, and I stole my sisters cash card, borrowed her bike, and then proceeded to cycle from ton to coryton asda, withdrew £20, rode to Grangetown to get some gear, then on to Penarth. Got stoned went to sleep. 

Next day, skinned up in the bathroom, left gear etc on floor of bathroom, went to town, came back gear gone. Fuck. My mum or dad have popped in and I've been busted. I walk to the pay phone round the corner, ring mum, she knows, she's very disappointed, upset, gutted, I'm gutted, I'm sorry, but dads on his way over first thing in the morning and you are out she said. One of the worst moments I remember. By the off chance an old mate walks past and can see I'm upset, he offered me somewhere to stay the day after, I accept his offer. Fate that was. I don't buy all the Jesus shite, but that was fate.

So, 6 am a knock at the door, it's my dad, he pins up against the wall, and rightly so you'd argue, and put all my shit in black bin bags, and locked the front door whilst I stood outside. No where to go. With 6 bags of clothes and shit. 

A shameful tale that on my part. One of many. I didn't learn though. I ended up homeless again, twice. Albeit briefly. This time I stayed at the flat for about a week, spent every day out of the flat, looking for work and some help, got a job working for transco where ikea is now, and eventually found a really nice fella who took pity on me, I gave him a load of bullshit when describing how I'd got there.... I walked daily from Llandaff to Grangetown and back, until I got paid two weeks later, but yes you guessed it, I shit on him aswell, after about 4 weeks I stole a £20 off him, he bust me, threw me out at 11:30pm, slept in Cardiff bus station. Found a new gaff the very next day. Was a terrible shithole. 

The story does continue but it's so long I cannot be arsed, basically ended up in a B and B, which led to Margate homeless, back to Grangetown, me a bird fell in love lived in cathays, she dumped me for stealing, twat, back to cross keys to mum and dad, met Natalie, end of. 

I'm off. 

44

Saturday night. The Mrs is out in Cardiff on Lucy's hen do. Not her sister. 

Kelly's sister in law. Kelly is Natalie's best mate, and my mate too, I actually met Kelly before I met Natalie, nothing like that, she worked for my parents at the cross keys pub Nantgarw. 

I've known her for about 13 years now, a legend, a star, we think alike also. 

So Yeh, Lauren's good, she got herself a job after I lectured her a bit to get into town and have a look round as it's almost Xmas... She eventually caved , applied and a few days later got the job, so good effort on her part, she's done well and it's an invaluable life experience for her too. 

Me? Watching Peep Show via the laptop on the tele, having a smoke, worked today, been there 5 weeks now I think, getting more confident but still getting stumped also, next week on the phones full time except Friday morning. 

So Yeh, daunting but, now the time to just get up, go work and get on with it, become one of the lads, one of the team part of the furniture and all that and look to the future. Taking into account of finally getting out of the hell hole that is conduit towers, and getting over that initial new starter feeling of change and limbo, and the bad shifts, which are to me right now, spot on, I like them. 

I don't seem to have the mentality of Mon to Sunday working week, it's weird, I'm back in Monday but really it's my Friday because I'm RDO, Rotad Day Off, Tuesday and Wednesday. Ok Thursday mornings aren't the best but it's Thursday so it's almost end of the week, get that done, Friday and then after Saturday nice day off Sunday, Never working more than 3 days in a row is beneficial in a psychological sense. The pay is amazing. The company values the staff, the amount of concern shown to me has been great in terms of health issues, had a chat with our TM 'tuffy', who incidentally is actually cool. Hard but fair, and I like that, but Yeh she sat me down to discuss my health situation and has relayed that to Occupational Health who will now contact me to discuss how they can and will support me, so that's such a relief, because with all this shit you feel a burden, because sooner or later, it's very likely I'll have to pull a sicky and when that happens, well, they will understand, I'm hoping I can get through u til January without doing that, operation will hopefully see to the symptoms. 

Yeh, so, nothing else really to report... Oh yeh, dads emailed me, we are currently exchanging very frustrating emails. 

Plan for tomorrow, we'll see how the Mrs is first, lol, and play it by ear but as much sleep as possible I reckon haha. Lazy cunt.

Thought of the day:

Stop eating shit yer fat twat.

In a bit x

43

Early Wednesday am, Lauren staying, her and Natalie asleep. Not long and I'm off to bed.

Been a good week, seem to have got over the cold and work wise, getting more and more used to taking calls, still loads to learn of course, but Yeh starting to feel I'm part of the 'gang' lol. 

Building a bifta here . . . . . . . . . Done. 

It's twenty past three lol, been good all week sleep wise, nice early nights etc, sensible like so fuck it, nice lie in, and I know Lauren will appreciate that sentiment. 

Not much else going on really.. Haven't spoken to me dad for weeks, he's away with meg and Clare along with katie and family in Devon I believe. Some times with dad it seems like he's trying to make a point, and I sometimes worry I've pissed him off but then I think, well, he would say if I have.... Dunno, need to sort out thank you cards thought, it's been too long already, but anyway it'd be a Nice break for them. Not sure if sian has gone or not.

Mum seems ok from brief exchanges on facebook. 

Managed to get some solid but it doesn't crumble as it should, big clumps like, so it's going sharpish and no sign of anything soon anywhere , starting to panic. It's like my life's foundation, as long as I have that I can face anything, the mere idea of not having a joint when I come home from work really gets me down in the dumps. I realise how pathetic that may sound but it is what it is. 

I feel grounded with it. 

One day I will stop it, I know it, my mind needs to be at a certain place where it's like ' enough is enough ' and I just accept it, very easily, that's how I think it'll happen when I do eventually stop. 

Twinges again tonight, which reminds me I spoke to work finally about my health, I spoke to ,y manager actually and she was receptive and empathetic, so good signs, the reality of it may be somewhat different in practice if it means I have to go outside for air a few times in one shift or worse case scenario I have to call in sick. That worries me greatly, I've been in a lot of discomfort at some points in training so far, but do not want to risk a black mark against my name for being off sick. Natalie keeps saying ' you have a condition, you are not well ' and you are protected by the equality act etc etc, and that does help massively but the reality is most people feel some sort of guilt when calling in sick, genuine or not. I'm getting a bit obsessed by it all really which can't be good mentally!? 

If I'm sick I'm sick, tough shit British Gas, deal with it. Yeh, that's how I need to be when I'm not good. 

I've had zero fucking support from the hospital, I should have been referred to genetic counselling but nothing. There are people I can talk to , Macmillan, some work employee support line as well but I don't ever pick up the phone and call, I don't know why, I guess I haven't got to that point where I felt I needed to, if I did, I would have by now but they are there if I do, which is kind of nice to know, and of course I have my wife, the wonderful Natalie, who moves heaven and earth to comfort me. I feel almost invincible if I know she is around to look after me, like nothing could get me.. 

This cancer nonsense, yes I've had it, a tumour, on the pancreas, it was removed, I'm ok, it seems on paper very simple and almost not even note worthy, like a wart which can just be frozen off, job done, finito. But then again, it got there in the 1st place, how? Will it happen again? And if so, where? How bad? It's like yer on a tight rope, I've always said this anyway, but with this tumour cancer shit, it could return anytime and then what? It could change everything, it may well not return and cool beans, but it's hard to regard myself as a cancer sufferer in the same breadth as the likes of say Lauren's auntie who had chemo, lost her hair, all sorts, and the others who endured all that suffering, so although, yes, I had cancer, I didn't, yer know?? May sound weird but there you go.

Anyway, enough of that shit. 

Thought of the day: 

Cherish the gift of children. 

In a bit. X

42

Just getting over a cold, was Saturday just gone, it's early Wednesday now, day in work then a quick bevvie with the team, on way home on train just knew something was coming. You seem to get a sign just before, you mostly dismiss it, as I did here. got home, couldn't really relax, and then suddenly my left nostril was completely blocked. By Monday morning I was like death walking into work, couple of the team said ' you do not look well mate '. Was a horrible day but comforted by the fact I was off the next day, so with severe lack of sleep and constant blowing me nose, I got through it, home then rest.

Did fuck all today, Tuesday , that is. 

Lauren's well, she keeps hinting at how skint she is, and how she needs to have these driving lessons like every week, and I'm l like you get money via csa, which you have told me yer mum gives straight to you, which is what 150 a month, and that's not enough to last a 17 yr old with no responsibility except to get to and from college, she retorts with I needed a new top cos of this house party, era, you really don't need to buy new clothes for every house party, or even going out to a pub, it's ridiculous that twit use which has been nurtured and fulfilled by her mother and family.... Or she needs to have 2 hour driving lessons next week dos her instructor said, well of course he will say that, I mean forgive my scepticism here but so what, why can't it wait another couple of weeks? If you can't afford it then well I'm sorry but tough. It comes across like I'm a stingy fucker toward Lauren, and I admit I have been, but this is Deffo not this time, she needs to learn that in the real world you can't just go about having everything you want when you want it without making some sort of sacrifice on her part, and that's what's missing from her life to a degree now. Sadly the place she works don't seem to need her much lately, but I've tried helping her with jobs, gave her details of a couple of places, offered to print cvs for her, help with applications, and when I ask for updates she says she forgot to apply for the job... I mean, she's complaining she is always skint, and yet there is a job, a chance to make regular money on the table and she forgets about taking steps to address her money issues... I honestly don't understand that logic... Part of me thinks she just cannot be arsed, which she has a tendency to adopt, so then I think fine, I can't be arsed to bail you out. 

Whatever my rationale when it comes to money she'll think I'm a fucking dickhead no doubt.

I always feel I'm never gonna be taken seriously by the girl. 

I did however offer to pay for her theory as a way of supporting her, because I do support her as she is having a go at this driving thing and doing great in college so you have to be seen to be doing things like that to help with her confidence... But truth be told I'm not sure she is prepared for it, she'll say she is but I know different... Just intuition I guess, and I don't blame her for that, I was like it, we've all tried to blag it like ...... I was the king of bragging it at one point of my life. Haha. 

Natalie is ok I guess, she seems really really down lately, work I shit, uni work on top of that, and of course me to deal with, wish I could fix her. Health wise she's doing very well, in the sense she's still adopting the attitude of Fuck Off, I'm doing what I want and you ain't gonna stop me, brave. So proud to call her my wife and to be called her husband. Marriage is good for the soul. It protects the love we hold for each other. 

Me, well health same as ever really, few more pains in stomach past week or so, sore legs and feet as per, but gladly I haven't needed time off work. Half our days there now are actually taking calls, and learning on the job with mentors. This is good, they are happy to help and let us try and deal with the calls as much as we can, feedback is immediate, it's relaxed right now, so making the most of that side of it. Starting to feel like I belong more and more each week there, and to be honest it's a nice environment to be in, add to that I get a grand pay rise if I pass probation, then there is lots to be positive about, regardless of the shit Saturday shifts lol.

Wow, a long one today, what else has been happening? I do need a pee so hang on ....... that's better... Not much I guess, trying to stay in touch with likes of Joe from conduit, but he is ignoring all lines of communication for some reason, as is Emily who to be fair, is hard work, I appreciate she has mental issues of course, but don't we all?? I mean we've all got shit to deal with, day to day shit, past shit, future shit, we all have it... But I guess we are all guilty of letting it get the better of us also, Christ I'm hard work for fucks sake so as much as that statement is true, it's not that simple I guess.

Haven't heard from my dad since just after the honeymoon, think he's like me in that sense, I'm terrible at staying in regular contact with the people I love and care about, apart from Lauren and obviously Natalie. 

As for my real dad, nothing, he had to think about whether he wanted to be a father to me according to his last email to me, so I took away the need for him to think. The useless cunt. 

Liverpool Real Madrid tonight at anfield, huge game, we probably won't win, but a far cry from Europa league away games with hodgson at the helm, fuck me how did that fucking happen?!. 

Anyway, got hold of some pollen and I'm off to skin up,

Thought of the day:

Stop eating bread yer fat twat.

In a bit. 

41

It's early hours Wednesday morning. Natalie asleep. She has been hard at it with Uni work, 500 word essay due next week, stress, she's such a perfectionist lol, she'll be fine.

Saw Lauren earlier, drove up we went for a bevvie, she spilt my coffee all over her, bless her it hurt, took her home and all seems to be ok, she didn't want to go hospital, who does, but she wouldn't show me , which I guess is tad embarrassing but it's only me, I've seen worse. Anyway she ok. 

Work is getting better, then change is still ongoing, but compared to the last entry feel I've made progress. Don't get me wrong come Thursday when I'm back, I seem to have two to three odd hours of utter misery and feeling sorry for myself at the thought of working, but then, before you know it yer home, it's done, and only two days til I'm off again, come Saturday's then it's all gravy as I'm off tomorrow, and Monday is kind of our Friday so makes it easier too. The team are bonding well it seems, although I guess soon enough the claws will come out, I'm sure I've annoyed them in some manner, but Yeh we've taken a few calls, we've had what, 14 hrs on the phones in all, still nerve racking being in such limbo, but the mentors have been very helpful and they've all been there. The banters friendly, the place is starting to feel a bit more like home, going for tea, coffee, a fag, some food, vending machines etc, it's all imprinted now so that's positive progress. 

Waiting to see if I'm being paid today, they say I am but like to know lol.. Really need some money.

Lauren got a bit weird with me earlier, discussing the apparent need to have one lesson a week to which she said she was gonna ask about a two hour lesson Next week but no money, I say, what about the CSA money, it's all gone already ? Yeh, she said, all on Blackpool plus it was paid beginning of sept and mam said because you changed jobs, she asked the csa apparently, that payment won't be til end of October...... So I'm gonna ring them and tell them to stop feeding her information.... 

I say well I'm sure it was end of September, dos I remember saying to Lauren when Discussing it before that it Deffo went from my pay, and she said Yeh eventually she got it... So she's pulling a fast one there, I may be wrong but I'm sure I'm not, but anyway, not the point, she has to realise she can't have it all on a plate, she has to be patient, wait like most people, at this time of her life she needs to make habits of saving, waiting for reward and paying her way, for her own good. I fear her mother doesn't agree. She still pays Lauren's mobile Bill , which is close to unacceptable really... I MEAN 150. From me, 40 a month from college, that's more than enought for a 17 year old who doesn't work or pay any bills... Thank you very much. Deal with it I say... Not in a Nasty way you understand. 

Fuck, this is long eh... A record perhaps, bit of a rant, lol, anyway back to it. 

Oh, new pain has introduced itself lately, a sharp intense build up of pain in abdominal area, very off putting and it fookin hurts.

Though of the day:

Be yourself. 

In a bit. X